


Seing James,

by 10BlackRoses



Series: Seing James [1]
Category: Rush (2013), james hunt - fandom, kimi raikkonen - Fandom, niki lauda - fandom
Genre: Angst, Angst and Humor, Explicit Language, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, M/M, Male Homosexuality, Sexual Content, Tension
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-11-19
Updated: 2013-12-17
Packaged: 2018-01-02 02:49:00
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 26,843
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1051635
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/10BlackRoses/pseuds/10BlackRoses
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>James Hunt was Kimi Raikkonens hero. He had spent most of his young life emulating the famous driver. when his wife decides she wants a divorce , Raikkonen finds his life spiralling out of control. he is plagued by odd dreams and even stranger encounters, with James arch rival Niki Lauda. </p><p>Niki Lauda has retired from racing after his lover James Hunt passed away. A series of unusual circumstances bring him face to face with new driver Kimi. He starts to feel strange when he's around the vibrant young fin. Something about the boy captivates him, and Niki struggles with his need to grieve and his ability to move on.</p><p> </p>
            </blockquote>





	1. He left me

**Author's Note:**

> I have altered timelines and events.  
> Basically Kimi Riakkonen starts racing a couple of years before James Hunt dies.  
> So Kimi would have needed to be born in the 60's instead of the 70's.

Jackie turned to see a familiar silhouette in the distance. His entire being filled with warmth and admiration. He was staring at Niki Lauda. Old friend and fellow driver. Niki looked much the same. A little slimmer, older yes. But still Niki. The ratty features, the distinctive over bite the intense brown eyes, and the burns hidden under that blood red cap. Jackie rushed over to him.

 

“Niki Lauda. Well I never. You’re back at the track? To what do we owe the honor!”

 

 Jackie’s thick Scottish accent grated on nikis ears. But he couldn’t hide his surprise and joy at seeing an old friend.

 

“Hi Jackie. Thought id check out the amateurs” Niki smirked. That famous sassy grin he flashed. Jackie smiled brightly and patted his back.

 

“My god Lauda. You’ve been missed. Still a complete wee shite. Aren’t ya?”

 

Niki never did understand most of what Jackie was saying but he went along with it anyway assuming whatever it was it must have been some form of sarcasm. They walked together and Jackie led Niki to the commentators box. At some point along the way the cameras had turned on them both and Niki blinked into the binding flashes. That part he hadn’t missed. Not one bit. Finally they made it away from the press before the questions started. Niki wasn’t in the mood and Jackie was intuitive enough to tell.

 

Safely tucked away in the fancy suit, which over looked the start line. Niki and Jackie where alone.

 

“You look good Niki” Jackie was sincere and Niki nodded with a small smile.

 

“He said that to me once. Thanks thou” Niki looked down. Suddenly he seemed a lot older. Wiser. Jackie saw a glimpse of a tortured man before him.

 

“James? It’s been 5 years. God I still hear his stupid posh accent some times. English bastard. Ha-ha god he was a good laugh thou. I miss him”

 

Niki nodded. Still averting his gaze

 

“I guess., I need to be around racing. It’s all I know. And now I’m divorced, I thought, lets see what’s happening here”

 

Jackie laughed encouragingly.

 

“The new bloods will shite themselves! Niki Lauda watching them! God they May not even race!”

 

Niki smirked.

 

“That bad are they? Ow well guess ill go home” he winked at Jackie. Jackie grinned.

 

“Well see for yourself! We start in 5 minutes. I’m off commentating for this one ill do some questions after and you can tag along. Scare some of the kiddies. This booth has the best view thou so stick around with me yeah? Ill get us some scotch and German beer. Be like old times!”

 

“Bring it on champ” Jackie sauntered off with a spring in his step. When Niki was alone his mask fell away. He felt like crying. Everything reminded him of James. The smell of the room. The chairs which where still the same (James had always looked to big for them) the trophies and medals, there was even old black and white pictures which he and James where in together. Even there old friend Jackie reminded him of James.

 

When Jackie returned Niki perked up again. Enjoying a scotch on ice. Jackie had even sourced some expensive whisky, nikis preferred drink. Niki was surprised he remembered. The race started uneventfully and Niki found the whole thing boring. The cars where all super safe, the track was modified. the cars where caped at a far lower speed and there was very little excitement, until he heard a very Lauda like voice over the newly fitted radios in the drivers cars.

 

“Leave me alone! I know what I’m doing!” Niki nudged Jackie.

 

“Who’s that?”

 

“That? You mean the guy arguing with his team manager over the radio? Hahaha! That’s Raikonnen. Kimi raikkonen. Finish ass hole extraordinaire. Almost as bad as you Niki! Except Kimi is a hunt fan, loved James. Wants to be James. Drives kind of like James did. Has a little bit of James flare to. …You’d hate the guy!”

 

Niki raised an eyebrow at Jackie then kimi’s voice broke through the silence over the radio again.

 

“Yes, yes, yes, yes! I’m doing all the tires you don’t need to remind me every 5 seconds!”

 

Niki laughed. That certainly was something James would say if they’d had radios in there days of formula one. James finished the japan grand prix with his tires barely intact ignoring his team’s calls to ‘cool the tires!’

 

The race was over. Some guy called vettel took first. The raikonnen guy was third. Niki was intrigued. He decided to by pass Jackie’s offer of attending some press. He felt he had caused enough of a stir for one day and slipped away out the back of the track behind the team garages. Hands in pockets head bowed slightly , then suddenly he heard an excited voice from behind him.

 

“Niki Lauda?!” he rolled his eyes in frustration. He’d been spotted. He decided to greet whoever it was and then make a sharp exit. When he turned his breath hitched in his throat.

 

“James,” he muttered in shock. Suddenly he felt faint. The figure approached him. Icy blue eyes and shaggy blonde hair. It wasn’t James. Niki’s breathing returned to normal whoever this man was he looked so much like hunt. Niki couldn’t draw his eyes away.

 

“Kimi. Kimi raikkonen.” The young man stretched out his hand. Niki took it hesitantly and the boy shook it with force.

 

He began to step from foot to foot looking nervous. Niki noticed that the boy had made direct eye contact with him and Niki felt like a cornered rabbit. No one ever looked him in the eyes; even Jackie turned his gaze to Niki's brow or nose. Everyone was either too afraid to be caught staring or didn’t know where to look. This young man knew exactly where to look. Niki wasn’t quit sure how to take this new admirer.

 

“Yes, I heard you over the radio” he stated in his strong Austrian accented English.

 

The boy went slightly red and grinned.

 

“Yes, he was causing aggravation” Kimi replied in Brocken English. Niki caught his meaning.

 

“Please, mister Lauda, I am very honored. You where a great driver.” The boy smiled warmly. Niki smiled back and nodded. For a brief moment he saw James again. He felt a bit nauseous. He had to get away from this kid.

 

“Nice race. Well done. You drive well.” He turned and walked away. Missing the look of pure shock and then admiration and delight, which graced the young, mans face.

 

Niki drove at break neck speed back to his hotel. Alone, he lay there in silence. Imaging James walking naked to the shower. He could hear the faucet turn on. James voice singing out of tune. Then James would come back in and throw a wet towel at him, or they’d make love and James would need to shower again. Niki felt he was going in sane. The day’s events hadn’t helped. He hadn’t seen that young man. He’d seen James. It was James to him. The eyes, the hair, the height the smile. But it wasn’t James. His heart sank and the tears came. At some point he fell asleep.

 

Niki had no logical explanation for why he had turned up at the next grand prix. Jackie had been just as delighted and just as welcoming. This time raikonnen had won. Niki seemed distant and Jackie noticed.

 

“What’s up Niki? You ok? You keeping well. I heard you had a liver transplant.”

 

“What? Uh…ow yes. I’m fine. Damaged in the accident. Its fine now”

 

“You look pale…and you seem…off”

Niki shrugged. He hadn’t seen Jackie in years until that last grand prix where he’d run into Kimi. Its not like Jackie could assume he knew him. He wasn’t the same man anymore.

 

Jackie grabbed his arms and pushed him into one of the commentary rooms closing the door.

 

“Come on Niki. What’s going on? Were friends remember? We carried Ronnie and James coffins. You never spoke to me since. And before you deny it. I know James was fucking you. Or that you two where a thing. Ronnie told me. Clay knew as well. You just disappeared nick. Why’d you not come back?”

 

Niki wasn’t shocked, Ronnie knew. Of course he knew. And clay .well clay had a huge mouth. Niki leaned against the wall for support. They where all dead. Any one who had meant anything to him was dead. It seemed like only Jackie remained. A small remnant from a time long passed. He’d been tumbling through life alone since James died.

 

“I’m tired. I’m so tired of being alone.” Nikis eyes began to water. “He’s dead Jackie. He left me” Niki sobbed silently. Suddenly Jackie was by his side, his own eyes shimmered with unshed tears he rested a hand on his friends shoulder.

 

“Its ok Niki. We made it. You and me. We got to live for them. They’d never want us to look back especially James.”

 

Outside a youthful driver with blue eyes and shaggy blonde hair had been listening. He heard everything. His hero was niki’s lover. Not his rival? Niki Lauda wasn’t a stone cold emotionless mathematical asshole. Jackie wasn’t a crazy comedic Scotsman. The boy moved away in silence his presence UN discovered. His whole perception of the men in his sport turned on its head. 


	2. Wake up Kimi

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kimi Raikkonen crashes. Niki keeps seing james.

Niki catches an interview on tv in his hotel. Its vettel , Hamilton, and other drivers including Raikkonen. Niki swallows and tries to turn away but he cant. The young man is sat their looking awkward and un easy. Niki is relieved. For once he doesn’t see James. James was overly confidant and a show off. There was something vulnerable about James thou and this young man had that same quality.

 

When the interviewer turned to him his repeated answer was

 

“I don’t know” Niki felt sorry for him. He remembered being put on the spot and shooting death glares at interviewers or just walking away. Its how he'd gained his reputation. There was another grand prix soon. Australia this time. He’d decided not to attend and was watching the press conference from a hotel room in berlin. He was on his way home to Vienna. He’d seen enough of the young bloods.  Or so he’d thought.

 

The next day the race was on every tv. It was un avoidable. Niki settled into a booth at the back of a bar with a nice view of the tv screen and watched. Raikkonen was leading then vettel. Then raikkonen again. Then disaster.

 

Raikkonens car spun. Suddenly niki felt sick. His accident flashed before his eyes. Despite all the safety modifications raikkonens car was a blaze. Niki panicked. He stood from his chair , as did many other spectators in the bar bringing there hands to there mouths in open expressions of shock. In nikis day this was normal for these spectators this was horrifying.

 

In nikis day there wasn't much they could do to assist. Now he looked on as fire trucks ambulances and various stewards rushed to the scene. kimi was pulled free. Niki noticed one very heart wrenching sign. Raikkonen wasn’t moving.

 

Niki rushed to the airport and flew his jet to Sydney. It took over a day. Once he landed he called Jackie. Jackie filled him in and questioned him when he asked for details of raikkonen. Niki blunty told him it was none of his business and Jackie conceded giving niki all the information he had.

 

Niki arrived at the hospital. He was confronted by concerned looking doctors and quizzed about his connection (if any) to the patient. Then Jackie emerged and they by passed the doctors.

 

“niki what the fuck are you doing here?!”

 

“is the kid dead?”

 

“what??”

 

“the Finnish guy. Is he dead? “

 

Jackie was silent for a moment.

 

“hes…well he hit his head pretty hard. There may be some brain damage. They wont know till he wakes up”

 

niki nodded looking utterly distraught.

 

“the cars are safe. The tracks are safe. Its such a joke! Its not safe! It never was! They talk such bullshit. And these young guys think this is good because of us Jackie! Because we did it.”

 

“you feel guilty don’t you?” niki looked away.

 

“the cars are safer niki. God a hell of a lot safer. Raikkonen was unlucky. There was a fault in the car. It could happen to anyone. It happened to us all the time! It’s the mechanics to blame. There will be a massive inquest into the accident. Stuff like this is rare now niki. I promise you! The kid was just unlucky”

 

niki looked livid. Jackie took a step back.

 

“unlucky? Really Jackie? Was I unlucky? …well? Was i!”

 

“no ! niki its not what I meant!”

 

“fuck you stewart. Piss off!”

 

niki entered kimis private hospital suit. The young driver lay still on the bed hooked up to various wires and tubes. He seemed perfectly fine despite some minor bruising.

 

Niki examined his face. God he was so like James. Even sleeping. Niki recalled how James looked in the mornings before he woke up. Niki would lay and stare into his peaceful face. The kid looked the exact same way James did.

 

“James…” Niki called out. Stroking the boy’s cheek.

 

“he’s so like you. I wish you where still here. I miss you James”

 

Niki spoke to the sleeping form as if the boy had some deep connection with his lover and that saying the words to him meant James might just hear them.

 

He continued stroking the young mans youthful skin.

 

“kimi…come on kid. Don’t give up” Niki could have sworn he saw the boys eye lids flutter. He wondered if Kimi could hear him? The way Niki could hear the doctors when he had fallen into a coma.

 

“kid You look so much like my James. He’d laugh if he where here and heard me say that. You want to be him don’t you? Stewart says he is your hero. Well I understand that. I know because he was mine.”

 

Niki saw the movement again. He hadn’t imagined it.

 

“I know you can hear me. I could hear everything to. After the crash when I slipped into a coma. I wanted to scream at everyone to shut up. You’ll wake up when its time. Sometimes we all need to rest. Don’t give in to it. Keep listening. Focus on anything. Voices. Noises.”

 

The figure on the bed began to cough. The tubes down his throat which where aiding his breathing where now preventing it. Niki rushed out the door and called to the nurse.

 

“the boys awake”

Jackie was still there and rushed in after the doctors and passed Niki.

The two older men stood and looked on as doctors pulled tubing out of Kimi’s throat. The youngster gagged and chocked. Took one clean breath of air and collapsed back onto the bed. Eyes wide open his breath catching.

 

Nurses attempted to sooth and calm the young man. But it was clear that Kimi was in distress and panicking. Niki stepped in.

 

“it ‘s alright. Lie down. Your, ok. You spun on the track. You’re going to be fine”

 

Kimi looked up at him with wide questioning eyes.

 

“You …called me James” he mumbled. Jackie looked at Niki and Niki looked back. Jackie’s face had gone pale. Suddenly Niki felt like he wanted to turn and run.


	3. Missing James

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> jackie and Niki get to the bottom of Niki's Strange behaviour.

Jackie had dragged Niki from the room.

 

“I have no idea what’s going on, ok. So All I am goanna say is maybe you need to stay away from formula 1. Maybe it was right what you did. Don’t get me wrong buddy its great to see you. God knows I missed you Niki. But you’re not ready. It’s only been five years Niki…you need more time. Its ok to grieve”

 

Niki looked down at his hands the whole time and sighed. Jackie was right. He nodded to himself in defeat.

 

“Yeah…ok, I am going home. Call me about the kid or something. “ Niki stood and walked away without so much as a backwards glance at Jackie.

 

“Niki!” he stopped but didn’t turn round.

 

“Vienna right? You’ll be there? If I drop by? You never where home when I called so I stopped…”

 

Niki just waved his hand and Jackie took it as a yes. Jackie turned back to Raikkonen’s hospital room. They had opened the windows and Jackie could see from the corridor that Kimi was restless.

 

Jackie entered and nodded gratefully to the passing nursing staff. He sat by kimi’s bedside.

 

“He called me James” Kimi said more to the ceiling, than to Jackie.

 

“niki’s grieving for a friend. Maybe you just remind him of James. Don’t worry too much. Get fit, get back in the car”

 

The word friend made Kimi want to punch Jackie. But he couldn’t let on to the formula one great that he had been eaves dropping on a private conversation between him and Niki. He knew James was not just a friend and that meant that Niki was seeing his lover. Kimi suddenly felt immensely uncomfortable.

 

“Why was he here?”

 

Jackie went silent. What could he say to that?

 

“Niki.was just in town I guess for the grand prix” lies. But the truth was, Jackie had no idea why Niki had shown up and he wasn’t even sure he wanted to know.

 

“Right, ill tell your team your awake. Your family’s been called they will be here soon”

 

“Where’s Niki?’ Kimi regretted asking the moment the words left his mouth. Jackie went pale. For a brief moment Jackie entertained a very strange thought. Was Niki making Kimi play James for him? Jackie shook it off immediately Niki was many things but he wasn’t perverted.

“He’s away home” at least that answer was honest, Jackie thought to himself.

 

Raikkonen looked as confused as Jackie felt. Jackie smiled and left. He decided he needed a serious talk with Niki. Things had gotten very strange. And a weekend in Vienna didn’t sound all that bad.

 

Jackie had left for Austria a week after the grand prix had ended. He’d arrived at niki’s quite mountain residence around nine pm. And there were lights on in the house. Jackie sighed in relief. Niki was home after all.

 

The air was brisk and he could see his breath. He approached the large wooden doors and knocked as loudly as possible his knuckles turning red. Eventually Niki answered. And he obviously wasn’t expecting company. Clad only in his jeans and his distinctive red cap missing from his head.

 

He looked like he’d just been woken up. Jackie fought the urge to smile. Niki looked entirely un amused.

 

“Not you” Niki rolled his eyes.

 

“Well nice to see you to ratty! You goanna let me in? It’s freezing!”

 

“Ill think about it” Niki smirked

 

“Fuck you Lauda!” Jackie gave him the middle finger and pushed past Niki into the warm house.

 

“My god its cold out there!” Jackie started blowing on his hands and rubbing them together Niki watched in amusement.

 

“Passing visit?”

 

“What?” Jackie looked at Niki confused then caught on quickly. “Bags are in the car, hands are like icicles! No way I was carrying anything!”

 

Niki rolled his eyes for a second time. “Well your not borrowing my stuff!”

 

“Nyaw don’t worry Niki, old jeans and topless in winter? Its not my style” Jackie winked. Niki huffed and walked off. Jackie smiled behind him. Niki was still huffy. At least some things never changed.

 

When both men where settled in niki’s spacious living area with a couple of beers and a badly dubbed American film on TV. Jackie decided it was ok to fill Niki in on Raikkonen.

 

“The boys ok. His parents came and he was up and walking. They took him home to Finland. Some hot spas and finish food will see him fighting fit. No obvious brain damage.”

 

Niki shrugged as if he couldn’t care less. He’d spent the past week locked up inside the house trying to figure out what had happened to him. He had put it down to grief and left it at that. But part of him felt immensely relieved for the boy.

 

“That’s good” was all Niki gave in reply. Jackie watched him closely. Looking for any signs in niki’s body language or facial expressions. He found nothing out of the ordinary. Niki just looked tired.

 

“How you been anyway? Glad your home?”

 

Again Niki shrugged. “Whatever” he replied curtly.

 

Jackie sighed. Niki never was a great conversationalist. Jackie decided to get straight to the point. He’d rather get the awkwardness over with and then enjoy his time in Vienna.

 

“Right Niki. No bullshit. What happened? Did you and Raikkonen.Have a moment? Did something happen between you two?”

 

Niki looked at Jackie for the first time during the whole conversation. Jackie noted that Niki looked both sad and angry.

 

“No! Why are you asking me these things? James is hardly gone!”

 

“Look I am not trying to upset you or anything. But the kid said you called him James! And you where acting really weird at the track…don’t you think you should at least talk to me? I’m your friend Niki!”

 

Niki looked like he had to think about the last part. When he next spoke his voice was softer and he just looked sad and defeated.

 

“I just…thought I saw James. I see him everywhere anyway. It never gets better. But that boy…his eyes, his hair, his face. I am not stupid Jackie. I know he’s not James. I’m losing my mind” Niki buried his face in his hands. Suddenly Jackie felt an overwhelming guilt wash over him. Of course Niki hadn’t done anything with the boy. Jackie moved closer and put his arm round his friend.

 

“Your not Niki. You loved him. I am pretty sure this is all normal. It’ll pass. You cant put a time limit on it. You need to take it slow. And remember James is still here” Jackie ran a hand through niki’s hair “he’s always in your memories”

 

Niki looked into Jackie’s eyes, and for the first time since before nurburgring Jackie looked back into his. Both men’s eyes glistened with unshed tears for a man they had both adored in very different ways. 


	4. The Ice Man

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kimi is restless at home in Finland, and begins having strange dreams.

Kimi had arrived back home in Finland. His mother had filled him up with good wholesome food and his father had lectured him on his reckless driving. He’d enjoyed the spas and hot springs and ignored his parent’s warnings not to excerpt himself. After all Kimi never could resist a good bit of ice driving! They never called him the ‘ice man’ for nothing!

 

Lying In his room one cold evening he stared round his walls, there was a huge array of photos of drivers he admired. Senna, Prost and of course hunt. Where all there. But one photo had started to grab kimis attention more and more. Niki Lauda. It was a photo taken of Lauda shortly before nurburgring. He was smiling his over bite was completely obvious and his eyes where shining. Having now met Lauda, to Kimi it didn’t even seem like the same person.

 

It wasn’t the kind of meeting he expected to have with one of his hero’s. He wasn’t sure how flattered he felt about being mistaken for James. There was one point in his life he would have jumped for joy if someone had told him he looked even remotely similar to hunt. But now with the knowledge he had of James and niki’s relationship he wasn’t all to keen on baring a resemblance to his hero.

 

James also seemed like a totally different man to him now. And kimi’s illusions had been shattered. Was all he believed about his idol a lie? Many said James was mysterious. Now he understood what they had meant. Maybe no one really knew James? Kimi felt disillusioned. His boyhood hero wasn’t what he seemed.

 

Still Kimi couldn’t seem to draw his gaze away from the picture of Niki. His thoughts turned to how much Niki must be suffering. Nurburgring, then Ronnie Peterson had died then clay regazoni had passed away and now James. All the people Lauda was every associated with except for Jackie Stewart, was dead. And Kimi had read that Lauda had divorced as well. He also knew Niki was estranged from his family. This meant Niki was alone. Somehow Kimi couldn’t bring himself to be angry with Niki for seeing him as James.

 

As Kimi drifted off to sleep. Niki’s face filled his dreams. Some images where from old TV interviews others where old game shows or just still images he’d seen browsing the internet. He had seen Niki laughing. Niki flipping off reporters. Could hear nikis voice from the old interviews;

 

_“I’m world champion. On the verge of becoming champion again”_

Suddenly kimis dreams turned into a nightmare. He’d seen niki’s crash on TV but it wasn’t a TV image he was seeing. It was him and his own car was spinning. Then he was looking into the cockpit of nikis car. Niki slumped over.  Flames rising swallowing him, he was burning. Kimi screamed and cried out for help. No one came. Then he was in the cockpit of his own car and the flames rose all around him. He saw himself standing in a hospital room looking into a mirror his face burned.

 

Kimi woke screaming. His parents had rushed to his side but he couldn’t speak. The next day they had taken time to the doctor and he had been diagnosed with posttraumatic stress disorder.

 

Every night after Kimi had the same dream but the end always changed. Sometimes it was him in the hospital sometimes it was Niki. He checked his face every morning in the mirror. He wondered if Niki did the same? Except maybe Niki woke expecting it to all have been a dream and his old face to be staring back at him? Kimi’s heart sunk. He was scarred. he had no idea what was happening to him. But he’d made a decision. He wanted to speak to Niki again. He had questions. Mostly about, James. And what Niki had seen that made him think Kimi was his lover. Kimi felt answers to there strange encounters might ease his mind.

 

He flew to Vienna having received Niki’s address from Senna. Senna hadn’t questioned him; just assumed Kimi might be seeking advice on Ferrari. Kimi played up to this and so no one was suspicious. After all Ferrari had interest in the young finish star.

 

As Kimi drove up the stone drive, Niki’s house appeared from behind acres of dense forestry and he gasped. It wasn’t only huge it was amassing. There was a lake directly bellow and the house was set into a hillside there was no shortage of mountains and coverage. It was private and completely secluded somehow Kimi felt this suited Niki. Or at least, the Niki that the media had painted. The cold, calculating, reclusive, mathematician of motor racing.

 

Kimi approached the huge wooden doors and suddenly felt lightheaded and sick. He had no logical explanation for bothering Niki. And he knew his presence might very well not be wanted. But he had a reputation of his own for being stubborn and emotionless and not thinking things through. He decided not to let his emotions get the better of him and knocked confidently.

 

Austria was cold and the wind kissing the back of neck and cheeks was icy. Niki was answering and Kimi was starting to freeze. He tried again, And again. No answer. Then he heard voices from somewhere behind him and saw two figures in the distance. He recognized them instantly. It was Jackie and Niki. Kimi panicked. What was Jackie Stewart doing here?

 

Before he could move to get back to his car he had been spotted. Niki froze and looked him dead in the eyes.

 

“Yeah so remember when Senna took the corner over porst? That was a dirty move…and…Niki? What’s up?”

 

Jackie had been chatting the whole way back from the lake reminiscing about the old days. Niki would laugh, correct him occasionally or add in the missing pieces of the story. Suddenly Niki had stopped frozen. He looked like he’d seen a ghost. Jackie turned his gaze in the direction Niki was looking and brought his hands to his head. He felt a migraine coming on instantly.

 

“What the fuck is that little bastard doing here,” Jackie muttered under his breath. Niki turned to walk back in the direction they’d just come from.

 

“hey! Hey! Niki wait where are you going?”

Jackie ran after him arms flailing. Kimi looked on in the distance confused.

 

“Get rid of him!” Niki yelled over his shoulder.

 

“How?!” Jackie replied breathless trying to match niki’s pace.

 

“Just get rid of him!” Niki broke into a run and Jackie didn’t have the energy to follow.

 

Jackie doubled over panting.

 

“Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!” he breathed exhausted. He walked slowly up towards where Kimi had been standing. Kimi was shifting his weight from one foot to another rubbing his hands together and looking rather perplexed.

 

“Hi” Kimi waved nervously. Jackie took a moment to catch his breath and raised his eyebrow at the youngster.

 

“What the hell are you doing here Kimi?!.” Kimi swallowed. And looked down suddenly finding the grass under his feet very interesting.

 

“I…uh…well Ferrari is interest..so..uhm Senna said maybe ask Lauda?” when Kimi was nervous his English went out the window. And his ability to lie went with it.

 

“Wait, wait…hold the phone. So your hear cause Ferrari is interested and Senna sent you to talk to Niki about it?...yeah I totally believe you. Now answer the question Raikkonen! Why are you in Austria bothering Niki?”

 

Kimi felt trapped and the best option seemed to be running back to his car. But he wasn’t a coward. He looked Jackie dead in the eye and stood as tall as he could make himself.

 

“I don’t have to tell you! Its not your business!”  Kimi shoved by Jackie. Jackie wasn’t used to such a level of disrespect from a younger driver and stood shocked. Kimi began to strut off in the direction he’d seen Niki disappear to. Jackie decided to wait till Raikkonen was out of sight before he followed him.

 

As Kimi followed the path through the wood he exited at the edge of the lake. The water was still and neon blue as the sky began to darken. In a small clearing further down the side he spotted Niki sitting on what looked like a large boulder. He had his back to Kimi and was staring up into the sky. Kimi took a deep breath and approached slowly.

 

“Mr. Lauda” Kimi watched niki’s shoulders tense. He climbed the large rock and sat next to Niki.

 

“May I speak with you? I just have questions. Then ill go” Niki sighed.  He never imagined a small slip up like calling another driver James name would end up getting so complicated.

 

“Fine. Ask” Kimi nodded.

 

“I know about you and James, I heard something I shouldn’t. Is it true?”

 

Niki never looked at him keeping his gaze firmly ahead and his posture as closed as possible.

 

“Is what true”

 

Kimi felt like he was prying a bit to much but he couldn’t take it back now.

 

“You and him…where …together?”

 

“Yes” Niki didn’t feel the need to elaborate on the matter.

 

“Why did you call me James? Do I look so much like him? Do I act to much like him?”

 

“I see him sometimes. Or I think I do. And yes, you remind me of him”

 

Niki’s voice softened as he said the last part. Kimi felt a sadness fill the air between them.

 

“I wanted to be like James.” Kimi confessed, “ Get all the girls, be a reckless driver. Be liked. He’s my hero”

 

Niki smiled slightly at kimi’s child like confession.

 

“Yeah I see that. He’s not such a bad role model. Though you could have chose better” Kimi grinned. And Niki laughed gently.

 

“I’m sorry. We old drivers have some demons in our closets. It’s different for you. You’ll never have to watch a friend die at the side of the track or worry your car might randomly break down or explode without warning. You’ll get to hospital quickly get treated by the best. You may not even car if you where in a relationship with another driver. Times have changed. Enjoy it. Your, king of the world right now. Trust me it doesn’t last”

 

Kimi knew that Niki spoke the truth. Lauda’s achievements and bravery only lived on in the hearts and minds of those who’d seen him in his prime. Young drivers didn’t have any concept of the dangers. they took everything for granted. Kimi couldn’t begin to imagine how much this man had suffered.

 

Darkness was falling and the night was getting colder. Jackie had abandoned his spying mission in favor of the warm house. Niki felt he couldn’t just send the young man on his way in the dark with roads icing over.

 

“The house has spare rooms. You can be on your way tomorrow” Niki hopped off the boulder and made his way up the path to the house. Kimi followed in tow not wanting to get to close.

 

Once inside Jackie eyed them both suspiciously.

 

“Fuck off Stewart. Its to late for your shit” Niki sauntered off up the stairs to his room. Leaving Kimi and Jackie in the hallway. Kimi looked ashamed all of a sudden.

 

“I’m sorry for my dis respect.”

 

“Yes well…don’t ever do that again or you’ll get a sore face Raikkonen! Remember who put a good word out in the press for you.” Kimi nodded.

 

“Sorry Mr. Stewart. I wont ever do it again”

 

Jackie rolled his eyes. It had turned out to be quite an eventful day.

 

“I take it Niki offered you a room?” Kimi nodded “second floor. Pick one there’s plenty. And most have bathrooms to. And get out of here in the morning. And no more, random visits. Leave Niki alone. This whole weird …thing…is over. Got it?”

 

Kimi nodded again and shot of up stairs as eager to get away from Jackie as possible.

 

He never noticed the figure standing on the top floor leaning over the banister peering down at him. 


	5. the portrait

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kimi decides to explore the Lauda home and finds secrets Niki has locked away.

Kimi had found a room easily enough. The house was a maze and he wasn’t 100% sure he wouldn’t get lost if he went wandering, so he opted for heading straight to bed. At least the heaters where on, and the windows where triple glazed. The room was large and comfortable with its own sofas and a large double bed. Kimi wondered what Niki would possibly want with a house like this? It was more like a hotel!

 

He shimmied out of his chilled clothing and sighed as the warm air his skin. He threw back the quilts and got comfy. The sheets smelled of honey and cinnamon. He figured Austrian housekeepers liked strangely scented detergents. It was odd falling asleep in the house of a man he had admired, for years, but never imagined he’d meet. He likened it to a lifelong fan of brad pitt suddenly becoming chums with the Hollywood star and being invited over for dinner. Except that exchange might be a little more friendly and less tense.

 

Kimi shook his head. He was being stupid now. He always found his mind wandering off, his concentration span was lacking. He could hear the wind picking up outside. The weather was just going to get worse. He was happy to be curled up safe indoors. If he’d had to flee in his car he had no idea how far he’d have gotten.

 

At some point Kimi dozed off. He woke with a start a few hours later the bedside clock flashing ‘2:45 am’ in neon orange. He rubbed his eyes and sighed. Same dream. Same time. And he knew he’d never get back to sleep. Maybe he could wander? Niki and Jackie wouldn’t be up he assumed so its not like he’d get caught. Kimi swung his legs over the side of the bed and ran his hands through his hair bringing them down over his face and eyes. He yawned stood and made for the door. The thought had never occurred to him to put his shirt or jeans back on.

 

Clad in only his puma elastic waist boxers. Kimi’s bare feet softly padded along the wooden floors. The house was eerily quite. Even the slightest creak from a floorboard sounded like a bomb going off. Kimi wasn’t so sure this was a good idea anymore. Finally he reached the staircase at the end of the hall.

 

Down was the first floor. Jackie was somewhere there. And maybe Niki? Though Kimi was sure Niki had gone higher up than the second floor. Kimi was lost already. He assumed the ground floor had the living area and kitchen. Suddenly his stomach growled. He decided against an expedition to find nikis kitchen assuming a random finish guy raiding his fridge wouldn’t go down well. He opted to go up instead of down.

 

The staircase wound upwards and Kimi stood at the edge of a shorter corridor than the one his room was on. There were five doors. two either side and one straight ahead. To the left of the one ahead was a narrow staircase. _It had to lead to the attach right? How many floors did the place have?!_

 

Kimi being the brave young man everyone knew him to be, started to open the doors on the right just enough to peer through. It was more rooms, they looked like kids rooms. Kimi remembered that Niki had two sons. Suddenly he closed the doors and felt pretty bad about prying. However, not bad enough to stop. He opened the first door on the left. A huge bathroom, nothing interesting. Then he opened the door next to it and he jumped slightly. It was niki’s room. And he could see a still figure obscured by blankets sleeping soundly. Kimi put his hand over his racing heart and was grateful he hadn’t screamed. He closed the door gently and slowly approached the final door. He opened it and peered inside.

 

It looked like a storage room. Kimi entered and closed the door finding the light switch. once the room was flooded with light. Kimi saw just how cluttered the room was. In complete contrast to the rest of the house. Kimi had noted nothing seemed personal about lauda’s home. He assumed he had discovered where all the personal things had ended up.

 

There were boxes with boy’s toys in them. Kimi assumed ones nikis sons had out grown. There were boxes of clothes some containing old racing overalls marred with sponsors and ‘Niki Lauda’ written on the chest and back. _They’d be worth thousands_ , Kimi thought.

 

The where photo’s and papers strewn across the floors and albums and books stacked as high as the ceiling. Shelves filled with: vinyl cd’s, rusting trophies, meddles and framed photos. Kimi felt like he’d entered a room containing nikis entire life. Then he saw large framed portraits stacked against the windowsill all turned away so that the back of the canvas was all that was visible.

 

Kimi turned one over. Nothing could have prepared him for how he’d feel when he gazed upon the image. It was James leaning back on a white leather couch head inclined gazing down lovingly at a young Niki, pre nurburgring, peacefully asleep in his arms.  Kimi gasped he looked at Niki then James then back to Niki. He felt the edges of his lips turn up in a warm smile. His heart felt full yet his stomach tensed with despair and his eyes stung.

 

He rested the portrait back against the windowsill facing him and sat crossed legged in front of it. It was the clearest depiction of love Kimi had ever seen. They where barely his age in the portrait. But James was seen with countless women; around and after, the time a photo like this would have been taken. Was it all a show? A public image created to obscure his private life? Kimi could only be sure of one thing. No images of James hunt showed the man in this portrait. This was physically James but unrecognizable from what the world knew of him. And even Niki wasn’t the young man the press had countless photos of.

 

Kimis eyes where suddenly drawn to a very small folded piece of paper tucked under one edge of the frame in the bottom left corner he lifted it out and opened it.

 

_To the rat,_

_I set the camera up whilst you slept. This is my favorite picture of us so I took the trouble of framing it for you. See you at the track (and afterwards)._

_All my love, always._

_James_

James took the photo. Kimi quickly folded the paper and carefully put it back he stood turned the portrait around. And sat on the windowsill gazing out at the stars. The moon was full and the wind still howled outside. Kimi wanted to turn over more of the portraits but wasn’t sure his heart could handle it. He was probably to young to understand fully what true love meant. But he wasn’t immature enough not to recognize it. Niki and James had taken on a completely new set of personas in kimis mind. He felt like weeping for them.  An immense sadness fell over him.

 

He pressed his forehead to the cold glass and didn’t fight it as the tears silently fell from his eyes. He hoped one day he’d love someone the way the young men in the portrait had loved each other. Suddenly he felt lonely. His marriage had just failed. He was too young to be divorced. But it had happened. She left him. And he felt the pain ten fold after seeing the picture of James holding Niki close. He should be home now with her in his arms. Except she never loved him and he was positive he didn’t love her either. That hurt the most. Youth and stupidity, that was all it came down to. Two attractive well known individuals getting married, because it was a good fit. Kimi had fucked up. Niki had true love and James had died. Life was cruel. Niki didn’t deserve the heartache. Surely it was better served on people like Kimi?

 

He closed his eyes and wept silently against the cold glass.

 

 

 

 

“Morning Niki” Jackie chimed cheerfully from the breakfast bar. Niki waved and grunted.

 

“Never where a morning person. I see that hasn’t changed” Niki flipped him off and smiled. Retrieving his usual yogurt and strawberries from the fridge.

 

“Where’s sleeping beauty then?”

 

Niki looked at him still half asleep. “Who?”

 

Jackie rolled his eyes “ starts with Ki end mi”

 

Suddenly Niki looked more awake.

 

“Ah now you remember”

 

“Well I don’t know where he is do I! I left him with you”

 

“Fair point” Jackie added “well I sent him to the second floor, you know most rooms up there. Could run your own brothel!”

 

Nice grumbled and glared at him. “ Not my fault she wanted so many fucking rooms! To many family and all they did was annoy me! Anyway, you find him and tell him to piss of. Rooms are free for one night only”

 

“Does this mean your charging me?” Jackie added amused.

 

“By the hour, with interest!” Niki smirked.

 

“Rat!” Jackie called as he walked towards the stairs. Jackie checked all the rooms. There was one that looked like it had been slept in but there was no sign of Kimi. Jackie noticed the jacket top and jeans strewn across the floor. He checked the bathrooms then the first floor, where he slept. Not bothering with the third floor because no one except Niki went up there.

 

 He returned to the kitchen and shrugged. Niki looked at him confused.

 

“Cant find him…. the rooms been slept in but, the bathroom hasn’t been used and he’s not up there anywhere and he’s not on the first floor”

 

“Is the car gone?” Jackie walked over to the front door and opened it slightly. He was hit instantly with a gust of icy wind. It was foggy and dim but he could see kimis car, parked just to the left of the drive.

 

“Yeap, cars there”

 

Niki shrugged “well he’s somewhere then, ill look seeing as you’re going blind in your old age”

 

Jackie looked mock offended by the comment. Niki checked the first floor and the second floor finding nothing dissimilar to what Jackie had reported. He immediately made for the third floor. He checked his son’s rooms then the bathroom then his own room. And was about to turn to go back down the stairs when his heart stopped.

 

“Ow, no” he whispered. He turned slowly and his worst fears where realized the storage room door was ajar. Niki felt his blood begin to boil. How dare anyone, who he had offered hospitality to, invade his privacy. He swung open the door and prepared to throw the intruder out when suddenly he stopped.

 

There sat on the windowsill forehead pressed against the glass, cheeks glistening with tears. Was Kimi? He was naked except for his underwear and he looked exhausted. He was sleeping soundly. Niki glanced round the room. Nothing looked like it had been touched. All the boxes intact. All the pictures still littered across the floor the portraits still balanced against the window. It appeared as if Kimi hadn’t touched or disturbed a thing. Niki was at a loss. He approached the young man slowly. Kimi didn’t stir.

 

Niki couldn’t fathom why there was a young man half naked, evidently upset sleeping in his storage room. Things just kept getting weirder and weirder. Niki touched kimis shoulder gently. But pulled his hand away. Kimis skin was ice cold. Then Niki noticed his lips where slightly blue. Niki shook him harder.

 

Kimis eyes fluttered open. He looked dazed. Then he met nikis eyes and he panicked. Niki pressed him against the windowsill a hand on either of kimis shoulders holding him firmly in place.

 

“I really don’t want to know. Just get your things. Get in your car and get out. And I don’t want to see you again” Kimi nodded and averted his eyes. Niki slowly released the pressure on his shoulders and Kimi darted away form him and out the door. Niki sighed and took one last look round at his life, then shut the door on it again. 

 

Jackie jumped as Kimi raced down stairs, now fully clothed then out the door. Jackie heard the car start and the violent sound of the engine as Kimi sped off. Niki re appeared shortly after shaking his head.

 

“Do I want to know?”

 

“No, you really don’t” Niki replied sharply.

 

“He sped outa hear like road runner! Man if he was that quick in the car he be champion.” Jackie’s attempt a humor didn’t seem to register. Niki just sighed and sat quietly at the breakfast bar staring at his hands.

 

“Ok what happened, I do want to know”

 

Niki shrugged. “He’s nosy. Suppose that’s natural. Found him in the storage room”

 

Jackie gave a Niki a look of understanding. “You should think about clearing it some time…” it was a touchy subject. Marlene, James, nikis sons and his racing career where all locked up in there. Niki had done it the moment James died.

 

Niki shook his head. He wasn’t ready.

 

“It’s ok Niki I understand” Jackie squeezed his shoulder reassuringly. “When your ready” Niki nodded. He wasn’t sure he ever would be.


	6. Acceptance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Niki and Kimi are reunited under tragic circumstances.

Jackie’s flight back was booked for that evening. He assured Niki he didn’t need a private flight. And that he’d be on vacation in Germany should Niki need him for anything. Jackie was aware of nikis aversion to physical contact. Regardless when Niki walked him to the door to say goodbye Jackie pulled him into a tight hug. Niki tensed at first then relaxed and let Jackie hold him. It felt oddly comforting. And Niki chocked up momentarily at the thought of his home being empty again. Still Jackie was busy and formula 1 needed him. So off he went waving Niki a fond farewell. And assuring him he’d be back soon.

 

Niki didn’t doubt that and waved him off. When Jackie’s car was out of sight Niki stood much longer than intended in the cold air staring into the emptiness. Everything was silent. Even the winds had died down. He was alone. Again.

 

Kimi had driven like a bat from hell out through the winding narrow country roads he didn’t know why but his eyes filled with angry tears as he gripped the steering wheel so tight his knuckles went white. The fog was dense and visibility was almost zero. Kimi wasn’t paying any attention. He didn’t see the on coming truck. And when he did it was to late. The truck hit the vehicle on the left side Kimi spun and the car slid on black ice, it seemed to skid forever then the car smashed violently into the dense forestry. The trucks load capsized. The driver rushed out and ran to the mangled wreck of kimis hired car. Kimi stumbled out, his forehead oozing blood; he was cut around the eyes from impacting the windshield. He was sure he’d Brocken a few ribs. And his back had been crushed he fell to the cold concrete and groaned. The truck driver crouched beside him and spoke to him in German. Kimi couldn’t understand a word.

 

The driver looked perplexed, desperately trying to communicate with Kimi. Kimi was in pain and was now stranded and injured.

 

“Please, help? You understand? Get me help”

 

The driver looked at him blankly. Kimi didn’t know what else to try. Then he thought of the only thing that might work.

 

“Niki Lauda, you know?? Racing driver? Yes?” the man nodded enthusiastically. Finally something he understood.

 

“Get Niki Lauda? Go get him, yes?” the driver nodded. Kimi had no idea if he understood him. He dashed off in the direction Kimi had come from. He must have driven miles from laudas house; the man would never make it there on foot. Kimi prayed that the truck driver would hitch a ride. And hurry back it was getting dark the roads where eerily quite and Kimi was lying on the tar bloody and in pain and shivering. His cell phone was in the car. He struggled to pull his upper body back into the vehicle. The phone was on the floor, the screen was shattered and the back had slid off, Kimi couldn’t see it anywhere. He sighed, and pulled himself all the way back into the mangled wreck. At least he might be slightly warmer.

 

It was a day and a half later that Niki finally decided to get out of bed and face the world. It was mid evening when he woke up, showered and dressed went for a walk round the lake and sat on his front porch staring at the hills. Suddenly a taxi pulled up his secluded path. It stopped and a man rushed towards him.

 

He began ranting in German at Niki. Niki couldn’t catch much of it.

 

“Slow down!”

 

“Yes, yes. Sorry. The boy, a very young boy. My truck hit his car. He’s injured. He mentioned your name.”

 

Niki tried to piece the information together. A boy had been in an accident involving this mans truck and had asked for Niki? Niki immediately thought of Jackie. But Jackie wasn’t what he would consider ‘a boy’ more ‘a man’.

 

Niki inquired further

 

“Describe this ‘boy’”

 

“It was getting dark but. He’s blonde, not from here very blue eyes. Built well and very young”

 

Kimi. Niki didn’t allow himself to think it over too much.

 

“Ill get my car and follow you”

 

The man rushed back to the cab. Niki revved up his custom Ferrari and sped after them. The roads where torturous. But Niki was a well-adjusted driver, however the taxi was painfully slow and Niki had to keep adjusting his speed.

 

When they rounded a bend heading towards the forest Niki saw the mangled hire car Kimi had been driving. He almost chocked. He pulled the Ferrari over and rushed out of it. It had been about a day or so the truck driver informed Niki. Kimi had been there for a whole day in the freezing cold. The road was deserted Kimi should never have taken it, especially at this time of year. But then he was finish, how was he to know? Niki felt responsible.

 

Niki yanked open the car door. Kimi had lost a lot of blood from his head wound. His neck ears and the collar of his shirt where crimson. His eyes where closed and he was clutching his side. His lips where that same shade of blue Niki had seen before but worse. His nose and cheeks where red and his body was shivering.

 

“Kimi? Can you hear me? Kimi..” nothing. Kimi didn’t even blink. Niki grabbed him and pulled him from the car laying him on the roadside. He pressed his head to kimis chest. There was a faint heartbeat and the cold puffs of smoke coming from kimis mouth and nose told Niki he was breathing.

 

“Help me get him to my car” Niki informed the truck driver. The taxi driver also came to there aid and they lay Kimi in the back seat. Niki assured them he could take it from there and left his details with the truck driver for any insurance claims or damage costs.

 

He put the heater up full blast in the car and covered Kimi in his own jacket. They where miles from doctors or hospitals. Everything where Niki lived was isolated. Especially in winter. Niki hoped Kimi would at least make it through the night. He dreaded the events that could unfold if Kimi was injured so badly that he died. Niki’s heart couldn’t take that. But it was a possibility and Niki knew this.

 

Kimi had a massive head wound and he had spent a day in the freezing cold. The odds weren’t good.  And it would take Lauda the best part of a days travelling to get home. Against his better judgment he put his foot to the floor and the Ferrari flew across the old badly laid streets. In a record 18 hours and something minutes Lauda was back. Kimi hadn’t stirred on the journey and Niki hadn’t had the heart to stop and check him, just incase his worst fears where realized and Kimi had passed away.

 

Niki got out took a deep breath and opened the back door of the car on the side closest to kimis head. He pressed the pads of two fingers to kimis neck. He could still feel a heart beat.  He gently maneuvered the young man into his arms. Niki noted he was pretty heavy. And carried him to the house. He laid Kimi out gently on the porch whilst he fumbled with his keys. Once inside he managed to get Kimi settled in a room on the ground floor. And for once thanked Marlene for insisting on so many goddamn bedrooms.

 

Niki had no idea what to do. He wished Jackie where still there but he’d be in Germany now with his wife. Niki couldn’t bring himself to call. Instead he reached for his laptop and quickly searched ‘head wounds’. Firstly it was bad to move the victim. _To late now._ Niki thought and scrolled further.

 

On instruction he retrieved a damp cloth and pressed it to the wound applying light pressure. He also popped up kimis head. To prevent, chocking. He checked his airways and heart rate again.

 

Next Niki looked up possible hypothermia. He didn’t like what he read but followed the standard procedure. And removed kimis clothing. All of it. Niki avoided looking at ‘anything’, which he hated to admit was difficult for him. He covered Kimi in thick warm blankets surrounding his head and torso.

 

Kimi stirred and his eyelids fluttered. Then his eyes opened and Niki felt a like a tidal wave had passed over him. Relief wasn’t even an adequate word to describe how he felt.

 

However the relief was short lived when Kimi cried out in very obvious pain.

 

“What is it? What’s wrong?” Niki tried to get the young man to answer. But could see from the contortions of his features that something was very wrong.

 

“Talk to me Kimi. You have to tell me what’s hurting”

 

Kimi yelled at him in finish. “English Kimi!”

 

“Please it hurts! Ah! I’m scarred” Niki was caught of guard by the last statement.

 

“Fuck” Niki rushed out of the room at grabbed his phone. He called the emergency room at the nearest hospital. It took them forever to answer.

 

“I need assistance as quickly as possible its an emergency, a young mans been involved in a crash and has been in a car for over a day with no protection from the weather, he is in pain and has lost a lot of blood”

 

Niki gave details and was informed that due to weather conditions there was little to nothing they could do except aim to have a team out as soon as possible. Which might mean within a few days to a week.  She asked for specific details of the wounds and told Niki she would talk him through the best ways to keep Kimi stable and till such times as a paramedic team could make it to the mountains. Niki was positive Kimi wouldn’t make it through the night. He begged but there was nothing that could be done and just as he was beginning to give her details of Kimis wounds the phone line cut out.

 

“Shit!” Niki cursed grabbed a flash light and sped up to the attack where the fuse boxes where. Nothing brought the line back. Then Niki looked outside. There was a storm picking up, the trees where swaying violently and the lake looked more like a violent ocean, the wind howled and sleet had started to fall to the ground. Niki rushed to retrieve his cell phone from the Ferrari barely making it back to the house with the force of the wind. He was soaked within minutes. There was no reception. Niki couldn’t believe what was happening. It was a dream. It had to be. Any moment he’d wake up. Except the shrill cries of Kimi made it clear that he wasn’t dreaming.

 

Niki had no idea what he was supposed to do. There was a first aid kit and some pretty strong painkillers he’d been given for his burns when he’d left hospital. Besides that. There was nothing he could do for Kimi. He retrieved all the medical supplies from various areas of the house and entered the room he left the young man in.

 

Kimis icy blue eyes where wet with tears of pain. His mouth was open in a silent cry and he held his sides, there was blood seeping through his fingertips. Niki was terrified. He was positive that in that moment he was more scarred than he had been lying half dead in hospital after nurburgring. He was sacred that Kimi would die. He’d watched James die in pain, and he was powerless then. Niki felt like he was reliving the nightmare.

 

The very thought sprung him into action. He had an opportunity this time to make a move before it was to late.  He removed gauze and bandages and mended kimis head wound as best he could. He didn’t have to hold Kimi in place; the boy was frozen in pain. Next Niki forced kimis hand from his side and removed the blankets he’d covered him in. there was a vicious gash Niki hadn’t noticed when he’d stripped Kimi earlier. Like his head Niki dressed that wound to the best of his ability he then held kimis neck tilting his head back and dropped two pills into his mouth forcing his jaw closed Kimi gagged and swallowed. They where the painkillers Niki had been administered and they where strong. Kimi should pass out soon enough from the effects.

 

Niki was right and within 15 minutes the crying and panicking was over and Kimi was eerily still, his eyes half closed. Niki took the opportunity to tightly wrap his torso hoping that the support would set his ribs in place and prevent further damage until Niki could get help.

 

It was one of the worst nights Niki had ever experienced. Kimi bled through the layers of bandaging and the effects of the painkillers wore off every 4 hours. Kimi would sob in pain and beg for help. Niki couldn’t answer him, there was nothing more Niki could do and it was killing him inside.

 

The next morning the lines where back and Niki finally got hold of the hospital. He was thrilled when he had been informed that after being cut off the hospital dispatched and emergency unit. And they would arrive hopefully that evening.

 

Kimi was rushed to the local hospital. Without the specialist help he needed he was then flown to Vienna for treatment. They treated him for severe hypothermia, head trauma, concussion, several Brocken ribs and a spinal injury.

 

Niki then agreed to have Kimi recover back at his home in Vienna. Under hospital advice Kimi wasn’t allowed to travel back to Finland for at least three months. Kimis family where informed they visited and suddenly nikis house was quite full. He shied away and never made much effort with them. Eventually happy Kimi was recovering they had left and Niki was relieved. He mostly avoided the young fin and didn’t bother checking on him leaving that to the nurses. When the weather took a turn for the worst again the nurses and physio couldn’t make it to nikis home. And they gave him some advice and details over the phone for kimis care. Niki wasn’t entirely comfortable with the idea of checking wounds or helping Kimi get around.

 

The house was empty but Niki couldn’t relax. He bit back his pride and decided to check on Kimi. Kimi was fast asleep his head stitched up and the bruises on his face where disappearing. His ribs where set with metal and he was bandaged up. He would need a back operation as well. The doctors had shaved his hair off. He looked nothing like James now. Niki didn’t mind that. He finally saw the young mans face as it was and not as how he wished to see it.

 

Young, handsome and strong. Niki sat on the bed and looked at him. Niki was never that handsome. He was thin wavy haired and had that awful over bite. Not much changed he was till thin with the over bite. But now he was burned, scarred for life and he certainly didn’t have much hair left. James had never looked at him like he was ugly not even after nurburgring. And James was the only one who looked him in the eye, until this kid.

 

Niki got up to leave not waning to out stay his welcome despite the fact the young man wasn’t aware of his presence. Or so he thought.

 

“Niki?” a muffled tired voice called out to him.

 

Niki turned back in the doorway “hmm?”

 

“Danke schoen” it was all Kimi knew in German. But it had the desired effect. Niki smiled warmly at him.

 

“And I’m sorry. About all your trouble” Niki didn’t pay the last statement very much attention. Life had gotten strange. Niki no longer questioned it. At he hadn’t had time to feel lonely.

 

“Can I get you anything?”

 

“Water?” Kimi croaked out. Niki nodded. He returned moments later with a glass of cold water and helped Kimi sit up. He held the glass to kimis lips. Kimi took deep gulps, Niki felt guilty he hadn’t checked up on him more. He must have been starving and thirsty.

 

Kimi lay back down and groaned. His back hurt so badly. It was like toothache in his spine.

 

“They cut my hair,” he added randomly.

 

“I noticed” Niki replied.

 

“I hate it” Kimi added

 

“I noticed that to.” Niki laughed gently.

 

“It’ll grow back. Until then wear a hat” Kimi looked up at nikis famous red cap and grinned.

 

“Yeah I might” Niki patted the bed and stood.

 

“Ill check in on you again. Get some sleep”

Niki flicked off the lights and closed the door. Leaving Kimi in the darkness alone. 


	7. The Dream

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An Injured Kimi recovers at Nikis home. once they part ways both men start seeing each other at night, in there dreams.

Kimi woke in pain. He was still in need of an operation on his back. something to do with shattered vertebrae there was also possible nerve damage. But he could walk, or at least make it as far as the toilet.  The operation would help to prevent any curvature in his spine he would need metal supports inserted. He wasn’t looking foreword to it.

 

He lay there his head spinning he was starving and thirsty and Niki hadn’t been checking in on him often. Maybe once a day at best. If he called out he doubted he’d be heard as the house was so huge and Niki could be anywhere. Kimi wanted to go home to Finland he felt stuck. But doctors orders where no travel.

 

He was getting cabin fever. He needed to get some air. Get outside, anything except staring at four walls with no human interaction. No phone or Internet or TV not even a book to read! He was so bored.

 

Niki came in mid evening like he usually did with a tray. It had various items, a hot meal some sandwiches yogurt water milk and orange as well as breads butter honey and jams. This was his supply until the next evening. It barely did the trick Kimi was used to three square meals a day with frequent smaller ones in between. He could feel himself loosing weight by the second. Niki avoided any conversation just usually entered and left again.

 

That particular evening Kimi was tired pissed off and felt sick. He didn’t sit up as usual and except the food. Niki sat it on the bedside table and glanced at him. Kimi lay still and stared out the window his expression somber.

 

“Are you alright?” Kimi nodded. But didn’t face Niki. Niki sat on the bed and stared at him sympathetically.

 

“Your operation is in four days. The hospital called this morning”

 

Kimi swallowed nervously. Niki continued.

 

“They’ll pick you up early, it’s a long way to Vienna. They’ll keep you in and provide some physio then you can possibly go home”

 

Kimi finally looked at Niki. The thought of going home had been put far from his mind, if he was getting picked up it meant Niki wasn’t accompanying him this time. And that meant he would go through it alone.

 

“You aren’t coming?” Kimi asked, hi voice small and weak.

 

“No. You’ll be fine. They know what there doing” nikis smiled got up and left.

 

Four days passed quicker than Kimi expected and the nurses had arrived. They helped him to the ambulance and lay him flat on a stretcher securing his head and torso. He was terrified but attempted to remain completely emotionless through out the ordeal. Niki entered the ambulance to say good-bye and then Kimi couldn’t hold it in any longer and burst into tears.

Niki stroked his temple and sat with him until they where ready to leave. When he was told they where ready to take Kimi away, he leant over and kissed kimis forehead then went to walk away.

 

“No! Don’t …” Niki turned back to face Kimi. The boy was terrified. But Niki wasn’t sure how many more hospital trips he could take in his lifetime. The pressure was weighing down on him. He associated hospitals with death. They hadn’t saved clay or Ronnie or James. And they had been more than willing to let Niki die, Niki fought for his own life after nurburgring. the doctors just condemned him to death. And Kimi was due a spinal operation…what if something went wrong? They’d paralyze him or he’d die. Niki still felt responsible for the accident. If only he hadn’t woken Kimi and confronted him. The boy would have run off and driven so recklessly.

 

“Niki come with me, please.” Niki closed his eyes and lowered his head. He’d been dreading that question.

 

“Please….I don’t want to be alone” that did it. Niki shook his head and walked back to sit by kimis side. Kimi gave him a sad smile and Niki reached for his hand holding it tightly.

 

The journey to the hospital was long and tiresome. Kimi wasn’t given much time to recover from the trip. They prepared him for surgery and swept him away before Niki could speak to him and try and reassure him. All Niki could do was watch the clock and wait. At some point he’d fallen asleep splayed across a row of plastic chairs in the waiting room. One of the doctors gently shook him awake.

 

“Mr. Lauda?”

 

“Yes,” Niki replied groggily.

 

“The operation went as planned. The family’s been informed and young Mr. Raikkonen is in recovery. You can see him if you like?”

 

Niki figured there wasn’t much point. Kimis family could take it from here. He thanked the doctor told him to give Kimi his best wishes and headed home. He had done all he could and was eager for life to return to normal.

 

The next time he saw Kimi it was on TV and Kimi was world champion. Niki couldn’t help the smile that graced his face. Kimi looked handsome, healthy and positively elated. His hair had grown back out. His eyes where bright and he was happy.

 

When Niki slept that night he saw James. He had dreamt of him every night since he’d died but in this dream James was talking to Kimi they where both smiling at Niki. James shook kimi’s hand gave Niki a loving kiss and then disappeared. Kimi had caught him as he fell to the ground stricken with grief.  Then he felt Kimi lift him back up and gaze into his eyes.

Niki woke with a start. Face stained with tears, his body soaked in sweat, his breathing ragged and his heart racing.

 

Kimi had celebrated for days after the win. Eventually he’d come down from his high and managed to catch some rest in his hotel room. He drifted into a deep sleep.

 

_Kimi was talking to James Hunt. James looked at him his expression filled with sadness and his voice had cracked with emotion as he spoke to Kimi about Niki._

_“He won’t be ok. He’ll fall apart. I’m so worried about him. I can’t bear to leave him, but I have no choice. I love him so much Kimi. He’s not as strong as everyone thinks. Your paths crossed for a reason. He’ll see it soon enough.” Kimi and James looked at Niki who looked back his expression one of confusion and sadness. “ Its ok Kimi I want him to move on. Take care of him for me wont you?” James had smiled at him and approached Niki. He kissed him and suddenly he was gone. Niki had fallen apart. Kimi had held him close and helped him stand wiping his tears._

 

When Kimi woke up he was shaking. He couldn’t remember where he was or what day it was. He could only remember nikis face and James words

_“Take care of him for me wont you?”_


	8. The Island

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kimi decides he needs a vacation, and that he should give the interfering press a few things to write about.

The season was over and the parties had finished. Kimi was home in Finland in a large empty house. His wife jenni had cleared her things out and was about to drag Kimi through every court in Finland to raid him of his millions and destroy his name. She had already started.

 

Finnish newspapers reported that Kimi was a drunk and a reckless driver and had been forced out of Niki laudas home in Austria after Jackie Stewart had found him drunk and disorderly. Now Ferrari weren’t going to sign him. Even though Kimi stated that the rumors where false and his crash in Austria was down to weather conditions (which wasn’t the whole truth either). Jackie Stewart’s refusal to comment as to why Kimi was in Austria in the first place only added more fuel to the fire.

 

Jenni was claiming he was a reckless inconsiderate partner who was a drunk and partied till the small hours of the morning. It didn’t help that she accused him of trying to emulate the ‘James hunt’ lifestyle, and every one knew Kimi wanted to be James.

 

The worst part was the dreams he kept having first as always came the nightmare of him crashing at nurburgring instead of Niki. Then he’d wake and try to get back to sleep once asleep he would have the dream of James and Niki.

 

The same dreams over and over night after night. Kimi was exhausted bags had formed under his eyes and he’d given his personal trainer a few weeks holiday so he’d lost weight again. He looked like shit.

 

Kimi decided a vacation was in order. Since the press where so intent on making things up about him he planned to give them something to actually write about. He headed off to Ibiza. Sex and lots of alcohol and all the clubs and crazy sports he could imagine. Kimi got trashed.

 

The newspapers where strewn of images of girls hanging on his arm, sitting in his lap, kissing his neck. There were pictures of him doing shots off naked women and men. He had gotten into fights done some crazy water sports and let loose. The press had a field day.

 

Kimi was oblivious to the other famous formula one driver who was currently on the island.

 

Niki and Marlene had lived on Ibiza pretty much since they had gotten married. Nikis sons had spend the first few years of their lives growing up in the warm sun having unlimited access to the beach and enjoying all the freedoms of the island. Then Marlene had moved to another part of the island with the kids after the divorce leaving Niki with both the house in Austria and the family home on Ibiza.

 

Having grown sick of the seclusion Niki had flew off to Ibiza to live in the house for six months and make sure it was being looked after. He left the house in Austria in the capable hands of Jackie and his wife.

 

Niki had countless friends in Ibiza and was walking distance from the nearest villa. Everyone knew everyone. Normally Niki hated the lack of privacy it was ironic that he now craved the closeness of the island community.

 

On one of his strolls to the nearest town he spotted a familiar name jump out at him from the front page of the local newspaper. It read

 

“Rowdy Raikkonen!” Kimi unfolded the paper and beneath the dead line was an obscene image of Kimi with a girl between his legs his head thrown back, eyes closed mouth parted. It was like a scene from some soft porn advert. Against nikis better judgment he began to read the article.

 

“Drunken formula one star Kimi Raikkonen. Parties whilst Brocken hearted wife jenni deals with the divorce. The driver has been a violent out of control drunk and his reckless behavior caused him a near fatal crash whilst on vacation in Austria. Ferrari abandons all plans to sign the finish star, leaving Raikkonen with no team for next season”

 

Drunken? Violent? Out of control? Niki couldn’t believe what he was reading. Kimi just didn’t seem the type. But then again he barely knew the guy. And Kimi had acted very oddly in the time they had spent together. Niki recalled finding him pretty much naked in his storage room. Maybe he did have problems? The picture he was looking at certainly pointed towards that. But there was a catch. Kimi had not crashed in Austria because he had been drunk. He had crashed because Niki has scarred the shit out of him. Niki read on;

 

“Raikkonen has been seen on various locations in various clubs on the island”

Then it hit Niki. Kimi was on Ibiza. Hents why he had made headlines. Niki placed the article down and massaged his temple feeling his head begin to ache. That was all he needed the idiot fin sharing the same location with him, AGAIN.

 

Niki was beginning to think he would never escape this young man. He had two choices ignore this OR do some damage control. But he didn’t owe Kimi anything…why would he help him?

 

_Because he’s a kid and he’s going through a divorce something you went through asshole!_

 

A little voice in nikis head that sounded suspiciously like James shouted at him.

 

“Ow for fuck sake” Niki muttered under his breath. He might as well find the kid and at least talk to him. Or smack him really hard with something heavy and blunt. Niki liked the sound of the second option.

 

Kimi was not hard to find. Niki just had to find a resort and club hop. He was lucky. First resort he came to and third club, there was Kimi. On the dance floor surrounded by half naked girls. Drink in hand moving his hips in a way Niki thought should be illegal. Niki approached him from behind. His cap and over sized sunglasses hid the burns. None of the girls where alarmed or even seemed to notice him. He grabbed the belt of kimis jeans and yanked him backwards. Kimi stumbled and spun round ready to punch who ever had grabbed him. But drunk as he was he immediately recognized the cap, the wisp’s of dark curly hair the missing ear and the over bite. For a second Kimi thought his mind was playing tricks on him. He blinked rapidly downed his drink in one go and opened his eyes again. No he was positive he wasn’t seeing things.

 

“Move it asshole. You’ve had enough fun”

 

Niki grabbed him under the arms and forced him through the crowd. He ignored the very obvious paparazzi in the corners dressed as normal young clubbers except for their dslr cameras. Once he got Kimi outside Niki hauled him into his car and sped off. No one followed. They knew better. Niki had sued more paparazzi than any other driver. It was too expensive to challenge Niki.

 

Kimi sat in the passenger seat looking dazed and out of it. His pupils where dilated and Niki knew he’d done more than just drink. His head bobbed like he’d lost control of his neck muscles. And he was babbling something unintelligible in finish.

 

“You’re a fucking menace, you know that? God I wish id never met you” Niki knew in his heart he didn’t mean the last part. But at that moment his mind had convinced him that he did. Kimi suddenly looked like a sad child who’d just been told off for riding his bike to fast. Kimi mumbled more rubbish in finish and Niki sighed.

 

Once at the villa, Niki pulled Kimi out of the car unceremoniously and through him through the doorway. Slamming the door behind him. He grabbed a fistful of kimis half open shirt.

 

“You listen to me, and listen good. Your career is over unless you get your fucked up ass on the phone to every team and grovel. And all those millions you’ve earned that blood-sucking bitch you married is going to take it all from you. She’s going to ruin you. Then you’ll just be a pretty face and even that wont last the rate your drinking and partying.”

 

Niki couldn’t be sure how much of it was registering with Kimi. All he knew was that the boy looked like a rabbit caught in headlights and then like he was about to pass out.

 

And that’s exactly what happened. Nothing saved Kimi except for the grip Niki had on his shirt as his body went limp and he fell to the tilled floor. His eyes rolled in his head. Niki put him in the recovery position and left him there.

 

About an hour passed before he heard the sound of retching and coughing. Kimi had thrown up in the hallway. Niki was so passed caring that he didn’t move from the kitchen where’d he found a few beers and was watching Spanish variety shows.

 

When the sounds stopped Niki got up to inspect the damage. Kimi was sat with his back against the white marble wall. Legs spread in front him next to the contents of his stomach. Niki held his nose and walked over looking down at kimis pathetic looking form.

 

Kimis face and hair where soaked with sweat. He was obviously running a fever and was hyperventilating slightly. Drugs. Niki knew it the moment he saw it. James had dabbled in them when they where both younger. Kimis eyes where glazed over.

 

“s..Sorry” he mumbled. Looking at the mess he’d made. Niki suddenly felt sorry for the poor boy. He knelt by his side and squeezed his shoulder.

 

“Never mind. It happens” kimis heart was racing and his palms where sweaty. He felt hot all over and it wasn’t just because of the humidity outside. Suddenly Niki had a flash back.

 

_They where in the bathroom James doubled over the toilet throwing up whilst Niki held his hair out of his face and rubbed his back soothingly._

_“s…sorry Niki” James had mumbled. Niki smiled and massaged his aching shoulders. “_

_“Never mind James. It happens” he had replied supportively._

Niki snapped back to reality. Kimi was looking at him and he looked lost. _God he’s so young_. Niki thought. _He’s so like James_.

 

Unconsciously He brought his hand to kimi’s hair, which was sticking to his neck and face. He ran his fingers through the golden blonde locks and Kimi closed his eyes. His hair was so soft and slid through his fingers like James hair had. Niki wiped the stray strands out of kimis eyes.  Kimi leaned into his touch. Just the way James used to.

 

“James” Niki whispered. Kimis eyes shot open and leaned away. Niki with drew his hand like he’d just been burned. It was happening again. Kimi stumbled clumsily to his feat. Niki stood and tried to steady Kimi. Kimi batted his hand away.

 

He swayed from the effects of the drugs and the alcohol.

 

“I’m not James!” Kimi screamed at him. Niki froze in shock kimis eyes filled with tears “why do you all want someone else?! I can only be me! Am I not good enough as just me?”  Niki looked away. He had nothing to say to that. He felt completely at fault. But he couldn’t help it. He just kept seeing James in those eyes.

 

“Sorry” Kimi whispered. “I know you miss him. But I’m not James. I wont ever be. I don’t want to be anymore” Niki looked up and watched as Kimi walked away. Unsteady on his, feet back out into the night air. Kimi made it as far as the end of the drive and fell again. He didn’t bother to get back up. 


	9. The Strong and the Weak.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Niki stops running from the past .

Kimi woke in a large comfortable bed. He was warm ,had been stripped of his clothes and was clean. 

His mind was foggy but he vaguely remembered falling asleep on a gravel driveway. Then he there was shaky hands undressing him. Then he had thrown up and at some point had ended up in a shower with someone hosing him down. He had no idea how he ended up in a bed….first conclusion he came to was that’d he’d had another wild night and this was some rich chicks house. But the hands that had rid him of his clothes belonged to a man. Maybe he hooked up with a guy for the night… Kimi hoped not the press would have a field day with that one. 

Then it hit him. He remembered a pair of intense brown eyes , a hand in his hair then a soft accented voice.

“James”

Niki. It was Niki’s voice, Niki had pulled him out of a club shouted at him and left him to throw up in a hallway…then he’d snapped at Niki for calling him James again. Niki must have gotten him back inside and taken care of him. Kimi was in a state of shock. Was this some hotel ? How did this keep happening? Him and Niki…in the most unusual situations. It wasn’t normal. But he remembered his dream and James voice rung in his head.

“your paths crossed for a reason. Take care of him for me wont you?”

Kimi take care of Niki? It seemed like a cruel joke after all Niki was the one looking after him.

“morning sunshine” Kimi shot up in bed and looked to the door , it was closed. Then he turned and saw Niki sat in the corner in an armchair looking at him. Kimis head began to ache, he had sat up to quickly. He fell back and groaned.

“why every time I see you, bad things happen”

Niki laughed bitterly.

“you don’t need me around for bad things to happen to you kid. You seem to attract them all on your own” 

“she’s ruined my life.” He just blurted it out. He had no idea Niki actually knew what was going on.

“that’s what they do Kimi. The ones like her. in it for the money. But you haven’t helped yourself. You’ve just publicly painted yourself as the asshole she’s said you’ve always been. And now your career has gone to shit”

“what am I supposed to do? I don’t know what to do Niki” 

“stay out of the clubs would be a start. Don’t get pictured with random women blowing you and don’t do drugs. Simple. Then get your ass out there and clear your name and fight her in every court she drags you to” 

“I cant. Its to late anyway”

Niki took a moment ,he knew he’d regret what he was about to say.

“ill help you. I know some lawyers and ill make a call to Ferrari. Ill get Jackie to feed some shit to the press about how wonderful a driver you are . the press respects his opinion . and its not like he doesn’t owe me a few favors” 

Kimi looked at him like he was some kind of god. Then his expression fell.

“why would you help me? I mean. After all the strange things that has happened?”

nikis smiled knowingly to himself. 

“you remind me of someone” Kimi closed his eyes and sighed.

“James?”

“no, well yes but also . Me. I’ve been you. Divorced, no team , dept, hurt, angry ”

Niki approached the bed he leaned over and brought his hand to kimis hair. Kimi shivered and smiled. 

“it’ll be ok kid.” Niki whispered soothingly to him. Kimi nodded.

“Niki? What was James really like? He’s not the guy every one knows was he? He was my hero. But I don’t know him at all now…I don’t know any of you. I wanted to drive cause I knew you all. If I don’t know any of you…why am I driving?”

Niki sat next to him and continued caressing his hair.

“we all have a public persona. You’re the iceman remember? I was the rat. No one really knew any of us. Not me , or James , Jackie , aryton, alain , Ronnie, clay they didn’t know any of us. But to answer your question James was….” Kimi noticed how Niki seemed far away lost in some memory. 

“he was, the only one I respected , the only one I trusted. And despite everything , the drinking , the women he was a great man. A wonderful driver and I loved him” 

“I saw something I shouldn’t at your house in Austria.” Kimi swallowed nervously

“I saw a portrait. You were sleeping in James arms. I’ve never seen something I wanted more in my life. I thought I had it with jenni but I didn’t. the way he looked at you . It’s not the James I knew. It made me respect him even more. But I don’t want to be James now. I just want to be me. Do you ever look and just see me and not him?”

“I see you now”

“and?”

“and your stronger than you think you are. And I’m weaker than id like people to believe. I thought I could forget. But seeing you made me realize that I cant and I don’t want to. As painful as it is I have to accept it. James and my friends are gone. If I accept it, maybe then I wont see him everywhere , I wont see him when I see your face or look into your eyes because I swear Kimi its like he’s staring back at me through you. Truth is I’m terrified of you. “ 

“don’t be. And maybe he’s trying to let you know something.”. 

“and what do you think he wants to tell me then? Seeing as you have it all figured out” Niki added sarcastically.

“maybe that he hasn’t left you and you don’t need to be afraid because he never will. And its alright for you to move on with your life” Niki

looked into kimis eyes and felt his heart miss a few beats. James wasn’t someone he’d spoken about except to Jackie. And yet when Kimi spoke those words it sounded exactly like something James would have said to him. James didn’t live in the past. That’s why he never held grudges and didn’t understand why Niki could still be angry with him for weeks after an argument. 

“if I didn’t know better id swear you’d spoken to him” Kimi remembered his dream. But decided against sharing it with Niki, for now.


	10. How to Save a Life

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Niki rebuilds Kimis life piece by piece.

Niki spent a couple of hours on the phone to lawyers and managed to recruit some pretty decent help . He was assured that Kimi wouldn’t loose out in court and that they would disprove all rumors, and clear his name. Feeling reassured Niki made his next phone call. Jackie. _This could be potentially awkward_. He thought to himself.

 

The phone rang out at his Austrian home. Then just as he was about to give up Jackie answered.

 

“Lauda residence.” Niki scoffed.

 

“pffft even I don’t answer the phone like that!”

 

“Niki! How’s it going? Enjoying the sun? …and the drunken finish company”

 

Niki was silent . how the hell did Jackie know that?

 

“uh huh, nice image of you dragging a certain handsome young blonde out of a club. Thought you’d found yourself a toy boy but then I recognized the kid. Care to explain?”

 

“damage control Jackie. He was all over Ibiza. Images on papers, the news . he’s a fucking menace. But everything you’re hearing. I don’t believe it for one second. You know they’ve spread shit about him”

 

“so what Niki? They spread shit about us! What is it with you and this kid! Just tell him to fuck off!”

 

“I …can’t do that Jackie. Just stop asking questions I need a favor.”

 

Niki could hear an exasperated sigh on the end of the line.

 

“what” Jackie finally replied sounding rather aggravated.

 

“I need you on board with me on something. I need you to tell the press that Kimi crashed in Austria because of weather conditions NOT because he’s a random drunk who I threw out even if the last part is true….and I need you to make him look like gods gift to formula 1 so I can start working on Ferrari to get him back with the team”

 

“I do not actually believe I am hearing this…Niki have you lost your mind? Have you been smoking something? This is not up to you! Its not your problem !”

 

“will you help me or not!” Niki had explained enough in his opinion it was all pretty simple. Jackie on the other hand, was more than confused, and he wanted some kind of answers. He took a deep breath before he spoke again.

 

“Niki, listen to me. You’re my best friend. I lost you for years. We never spoke and I never saw or heard from you not even a letter or e-mail . nothing. You have no idea how happy I was to see you again…but I’m so worried about you! This kid, Kimi . he’s done something to you. You’re not yourself, this isn’t your problem Niki! Think this over …its crazy!”

 

“Jackie I’m not asking again.”

 

“Niki you know ill help you. But just answer me one thing?”

 

“what?”

 

“why are you doing this…? He’s not James, Niki. I know deep down you must realize that”

 

Kimi stood frozen in the doorway. Niki had his back to him and Jackie’s voice was load enough for Kimi to hear, he watched as Niki closed his eyes. A pained expression crossed his face.

 

“he’s just a kid Jackie. And no one was there for me. Or James , or you. James would have done it. You know he would. He’d never let anyone suffer if there was something he could do”

 

Jackie couldn’t argue that last point.

 

“alright Niki. Ok you win. Ill paint the little fin as the prince of formula 1 if that’s what you want. Just, be careful ok ? and don’t fall for this kid Niki, I don’t want you to get hurt”

 

Niki scoffed. “Jackie you know I cant ‘fall’ for anyone again. It was hard enough for me to admit I loved James. I’m just not that man. I’ve gotten used to being alone. Doesn’t mean I can’t help someone”

 

Niki could practically hear Jackie’s smile on the other end.

 

“you’re a stubborn ass Niki but don’t think you’ll always be alone. James wouldn’t want that and you know it. Anyway, ill do my best. Bye Niki, take care ok?”

 

“always do. Bye Jackie and thank you”

 

Niki brought a hand to his temple.  He hadn’t been this stressed since he was racing in formula one.  Kimi turned and walked quietly away leaving Niki to his thoughts. He mulled over Jackie’s warning to Niki about not falling for him.

 

Kimi found himself disappointed by Nikis reply. That within itself scarred him. He had no objection to what Niki and James had. But he himself was positive he was not that way inclined. But then he did admit he was starting to develop a fondness for Niki . James words kept echoing in his head.

 

_“take care of him for me wont you?”_

Kimi made his was to the nearest bathroom and leaned heavily over the sink. He felt sick . he looked at his reflection staring back him. His eyes where as icy as always but there where black bags forming under them. His sallow skin was pale and his lips where chapped and sore. His hair was sticking up in all directions and he looked awful.  He filled the sink and splashed his face with cool water running his hands over his head and neck to cool himself. His fever hadn’t subsided

 

He set the shower. And climbed in letting the water cascade over him . It was then he noticed that in his half sleep induced state he’d been walking around half hard. Kimi really wasn’t in the mood to indulge his out of control hormones. He decided to get it over with as quickly as possible. He brought his hand to his shaft and squeezed it then massaged his length . He was hard quickly . he took his length in hand and jerked of violently biting his lower lip with his teeth to stifle any noise. As he came he had a vision of Niki looking down at him and he could feel nikis fingers caressing his hair.

 

When Kimi came down from the high he was confused and oddly satisfied.

 

“Kimi?”

 

_shit!_ Kimi hoped Niki couldn’t see through doors , he also hoped he hadn’t made any noise.

 

“just using the shower…” Kimi called back.

 

“you sounded ….odd” Niki had heard.

 

“I’m ok..” Kimi cursed himself for not being a creative lair.

 

Niki walked away from the door and smirked. A healthy strapping young man like Kimi had urges. Niki wasn’t an idiot. And Kimi had sounded very much like he was enjoying himself. Niki remembered listening outside the bathroom to James doing the exact same thing. However Niki had usually joined him to ‘help’.

 

Niki didn’t have to imagine Kimi naked. He’d had to strip him after the club incident to shower the boy. But there was no sexual feeling then, just awkwardness. A knot formed in Niki’s stomach, Kimi was a kid it was wrong to think of him in a sexual way, but Niki’s mind was wandering. Niki couldn’t help it. When he truly thought about it Kimi was a stunning young man and Niki would be crazy to deny an attraction to him. But then the guilt came. James. And Kimi reminded him of James. That had to be it, it was just a resemblance and Niki was grieving. He tried to tell himself he wasn’t attracted to the young fin. But he knew that was a lie.

 

Then his thoughts where disturbed as the bathroom door slid open slightly and steam blew into the hallway. Kimi stuck his head out ever so slightly. He saw Niki and his cheeks flushed.

 

“uh…I have no clothes here”

 

“where was the hotel ill get your things” Niki replied trying to avoid staring.  Kimi gave Niki the address, room number and his key and Niki retuned with his bags, laptop and phone. Dropping it all outside the bathroom where Kimi had waited. Kimi rustled through one of the bags and got dressed swiftly . when he exited the bathroom and placed his stuff in the spare room. Niki was nowhere to be found. Kimi called but there was no answer.

 

Kimi went round the villa opening doors to no avail. Then he found Niki laid out on his bed , sound asleep with his phone next to him and some paper. Kimi approached slowly and peered over niki’s shoulder. He could just make out what was written

 

“Ferrari option A – Raikkonen signed on provisional contract with capped pay .”

 

Niki had scribbled _fuck that_ next to it .

 

“Ferrari option B – Raikkonen signed for one season with capped pay.”

 

_Nope_ was written next to this one.

 

“Ferrari option c – Raikkonen signed for three year deal will full pay and access to all sponsorship deals and promotions.”

 

_That better assholes_ –  signed on behalf of Kimi Raikkonen by Niki Lauda.

 

Kimi’s jaw hung open. Niki had saved his contract. He wasn’t jobless. In less than a day Niki had just put his entire life back on track. Kimi’s eyes filled with tears.

 

He laid himself onto niki’s sleeping form completely uncaring if the other man woke and chucked him out or beat him up. He held Niki and whispered in his ear in finish. Niki didn’t wake he signed and slept soundly Kimi lay beside him and drifted off to sleep. Happier , than he had been in years.


	11. Goodnight Kimi

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kimi reveals details of the dreams he's been having. It's all a bit to much for Niki.

When Niki opened his eyes it was dark outside. He shifted slightly and felt his arm press against something solid and warm. Still half asleep he felt around with his hand . he felt a solid back and as he ran his hand further up his fingers entwined in soft locks of hair. Initially Niki thought he was still asleep and dreaming of waking next to James. A dream he had all to often. And that was the only logical explanation. But the body next to him felt very real.

 

Niki hadn’t woken next to another person for five years. Suddenly it dawned on him that the only other person it could be was Kimi. Niki moved slowly and reached for the bedside lamp. A warm soft glow filled the room and illuminated the figure on the bed. Kimi was fast asleep, the light casting shadows across his youthful features. His expression was peaceful; his hair messed and fanned out against the pillows. Niki wasn’t angry. He knew he should be. He should react and let Kimi know that this was not acceptable. But instead he just stared. Stared at the young man before him finally at peace and Niki couldn’t bring himself to turn this moment negative. Niki’s mind drifted to mornings waking up next to James.

 

 _Niki always woke first. It was a habit. He woke to see the sunrise on James face. The rays dancing across James glorious long blonde hair._   _Then those long eyelashes would flutter and eyes as blue as the ocean would stare at him. James would smile and reach for Niki. Niki would embrace him and they would kiss. He would stroke James hair, his face, and his chest. Committing him to memory. And James eyes would never leave his face. It was rare and the moments where fleeting . They where married after all and there were little time for affection. But they stole what time they could. And after their divorces. There lives where planned. Mapped out before them . they would finally be together. It was short lived. James had died two years after nurburgring. He suffered a heart attack Niki caught him just as the lights went out in his eyes. He was to late ._

Niki felt his eyes fill up and the feelings of regret and guilt came flooding back. His thoughts where only disrupted when the figure on the bed started to stir.

 

“Ei!! …ei!”  Kimi cried out. Niki automatically reached out to him. Kimi tossed and turned “apua!! Apua!!” Kimi yelled.  Then he went still again and Niki felt relieved. It was a bad dream. Something all drivers had.

 

It was silent again and the only sounds that filled the air where the sounds of Kimi and Niki breathing. Suddenly Kimi started talking again. This time Nikis blood ran cold and the hairs on the back of his neck stood up.

 

“No! James.don’t go” Niki wanted to run but couldn’t. What the hell was wrong with this kid?

 

Kimi stilled again and Niki watched him, frozen and unable to move. “Niki..” Kimi sighed.

 

Niki couldn’t breath. He got up and fetched himself a glass of water returning to the room he saw Kimi huddled up in the foetal position hugging his knees to his chest. Niki returned to the bed. Against his better judgement he lay back down and shut of the light. Niki lay awake and as the sun rose outside the windows Kimi stirred once more.

 

His eyes opened slowly reavealing his icy blue eyes. Niki thought they reminded him of the sky on a crisp clear winters day. Not at all as warm as James eyes. But just as mysterious and inviting. Kimi took a few moments to come round before realising that Niki was beside him.

 

Kimi sat up and before Niki could speak the boy hand him in a tight embrace.

 

“I came to find you last night. I saw the papers. You got Ferrari to take me back…I didn’t want to wake you. What can I do to make it up to you? I owe you everything”

 

Niki didn’t pull away but he didn’t embrace Kimi back.

 

“You don’t owe me anything. Now let me go asshole. I don’t like physical contact”

 

Kimi actually laughed at that and pulled away. Two things the press had got right about Niki: he was blunt and he was not affectionate. Kimi was glad Niki seemed to pay little heed to his presence in the bed or the fact he had fallen asleep next to him.

 

Niki yawned and disappeared off to the bathroom without a word. Kimi fell back and grinned. Life was looking up for once! He skipped off to the spare bathroom washed and dressed and met Niki in the kitchen. They eat together and talked about the Ferrari contract and what Kimi could negotiate if he wanted to. Then Kimi suggested going for a run which Niki declined. He didn’t fancy being shown up by the supreme fitness levels of Kimi raikonnen. Instead they ended up at nikis pool. Niki sat by the side, legs hanging over the edge into the water watching as Kimi started his standard 200 laps.

 

 The sun was out and there was soft breeze. Niki watched lazily as Kimi swam back and forth. Kimi ducked and surfaced next to him. Niki smiled. Kimis hair was stuck to his head and neck and he was flushed from doing so many laps. Niki wasn’t stupid he knew Kimi was showing of so he decided to indulge him.

 

“Impressive” Niki watched kimis face light up.

 

“Come on ill race you!” the young mans enthusiasm was slightly contagious. But Niki wasn’t young anymore, he wasn’t old either, but he felt it. Physically he was exhausted.

 

“I’ll pass. Knock yourself out kid. I’m not fit for things like that” Niki laughed and Kimi gave him a sympathetic look.

 

“Join me anyway? Come on. It’s to hot to just sit!”  Niki finally gave in. He pulled off his t-shirt. Kimi watched with avid interest. Niki was tanned and slim. His abdomen was muscular and his chest was taught but littered with patches of discoloured skin. _Healed burns_. Kimi recognised them. He also had a burn on the inside of his own wrist it didn’t look dissimilar to niki’s scars. Niki slid into the pool and gasped. Kimi laughed heartily.

 

“God that’s cold!” Niki declared comically.

 

“Ow come on! Its fine!”

 

“Just because you come from sub-zero temperatures!”

 

“Finland is not THAT cold” Kimi shot back. “And Austria was freezing!” Niki shrugged. Austria did get cold, but he hadn’t experienced a full Austrian winter for some time he usually opted to go on vacation somewhere warm during winter months.

 

Kimi splashed him playfully and swam off before Niki could react.

 

“Asshole!” his cap was soaked. He removed it without thinking. And then realised what he’d done. When nikis hair was wet it revealed the scars on his scalp and lack of hair. At least he could hide it when his hair was dry and there was enough of it to comb over the wound. Kimi swam back over and just stared at him playfully, paying absoloutly no attention to his head. He had a hint of mischief in his eyes. He splashed Niki again. This time Niki caught him before he could swim away. He hung an arm around kimis neck and through water in his face repeatedly. Kimi just laughed and laughed. To anyone else they would have looked like a pair of moronic kids.

 

Niki couldn’t actually recall the last time he’d had such innocent fun. Probably, with his children. Whom, he no longer saw as often as he would have liked. Kimi was energetic and vibrant and seemed to bring Niki back to life. They wrestled and ducked each other under before Kimi swam off again and Niki chased him. Eventually Niki was panting and exhausted he gave in and Kimi pinned him against the poolside.

 

“Ha! I win!” Niki grinned.

 

“Yeah, ok. I give up. You win” Kimi raised both fists in the air victorious. This made Niki laugh.

 

“Your such a child” Niki flicked kimis nose and watched in amusement as Kimi screwed his face up in protest.

 

Kimi gazed at him and his expression went still. Niki couldn’t read his eyes. It was like suddenly Kimi had shut of. Then Kimi moved closer the water between their bodies lapping gently at their chests then dispersing as Kimi pressed his body to nikis. Niki didn’t get a moment to think.

 

Kimi kissed him. The young fin pressed his cold lips to nikis gently. So gently that Niki could barely feel anything more than the ghosting of kimis breath across his mouth. Kimis eyes where closed and Niki felt his own drift shut. His mouth seemed to move without his consent and he kissed back gently. Niki felt strong arms encircle his back and a hand slip up his face into his hair. His body felt like it was on fire despite the fact that it was now late evening and a cold breeze was hitting the water and their skin. Kimi started to deepen the kiss pressing his mouth against nikis with more force and want. Niki felt weak yet safe in Kimis arms. Just as Niki felt he was about to give in. his mind bombarded him with images of James. His stomach sunk and the guilt hit him. The realisation of what he was doing hit hard. And he felt sick. He pushed Kimi away and pulled himself out of the pool without a word or a backwards glance and disappeared to his room. He stood in the shower and wept. Pleading silently

 

“I’m sorry James. Please forgive me. Please. I’m so sorry” his body shook with despair.

 

Kimi had rushed after him. The bathroom door in nikis room was open. And Kimi could hear the pained cries. His heart sunk in his chest. He hadn’t meant for it to happen. He couldn’t hold back. It just seemed right. He hadn’t even paid any thought for James.

 

Kimi approached the door. And stood unsure what to say or do.

 

“Niki? Niki I’m sorry! I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you. Forgive me please”

 

Niki continued to sob. Kimi felt like someone had stabbed him through the chest. Whether it was wrong or right he entered the bathroom and drew back the shower curtain. Niki sat under the spray head in his arms his body shaking. Kimi got in and held him. Niki didn’t fight, much to his surprise. 

 

“I’m sorry” Kimi whispered over and over. Rocking them back and forth as the water fell down their chilled bodies.

 

Eventually nikis cries subsided and he stopped shaking. Feeling very vulnerable and ever so slightly embarrassed. He hid his face in kimis shoulder.

 

“I’m not angry with you,” he breathed out. Kimi remained still and held Niki close just listening.

 

“I’m not ready. It’s nothing you did wrong. But I can’t give you anything more than my help, do you understand?”

 

Kimi nodded and buried his face in the crook of nikis neck. They stayed like that for a moment and Niki pulled back gently Kimi helped him stand. They grabbed a couple of towels. Dried off and Kimi left Niki alone and spent the rest of the evening in the spare room. He didn’t re-emerge for dinner or supper.

 

When darkness fell and Kimi had decided to call it a night. Niki knocked on the door.

 

“It’s open” Kimi was already in bed on his side facing away from the doorway. Niki approached him from behind and he could feel the bed dip as Niki sat next to him.

 

“Are you alright?” Kimi heard the concern in nikis voice. He was shocked that Niki would be worried about Kimi after what Kimi had done.

 

Kimi turned slightly and looked up at Niki “I had a dream. Same dream I’ve been having for weeks. Two actually, but one is a nightmare. All I see is fire and I see smoke. I’ve crashed and no one can pull me free. But sometimes its not me …sometimes its you. And I can’t get you out of the car. Then I see your face but then its not you anymore its me and I’m burned. After it I dream of James and me talking. He knows he has to leave and he asks me to take care of you. Then he’s gone and you fall apart. I don’t know what it means Niki. But I’m starting to care for you. I never meant to hurt you today…please believe me.”

 

Niki couldn’t believe what he was hearing. He’d been having a dream every night. In it he saw James and Kimi talking in the distance then James would disappear and Kimi was all that was left. Niki was Brocken he couldn’t take much more. He stood without a word and walked towards the doorway. Before he left he turned back gave Kimi a sad smile and said.

 

“goodnight Kimi” then he was gone.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ei = no in Finish  
> Apau = help in Finish


	12. 20% Risk of a Brocken Heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Niki receives a sign from James.

_James was panting and moaning above him. Niki knew he was close. James hips thrust against him. Niki was pushed harder into the mattress with every jerk of James hips. The sound of skin hitting skin filled the room. Niki could smell sweat, aftershave and sex. Then James was coming hard and he didn’t pull out. Niki felt a sharp heat fill him. James orgasm made his whole body shudder and Niki lay pinned beneath him, as he to came hard into the mattress. No contact, no one had jerked him off or touched him. The very feeling of James release inside him had been enough._

_It was there first time. Niki had won the championship. James was second. There had been some kind of wild celebrations. He felt James eyes on him the whole night. Like a wolf stalking its prey. Then James followed him to his room and shoved him inside. All Niki could remember was the door slamming James pinning him to the mattress face first. And then it all happened so quickly._

_The morning after James had silenced all questions with rough kisses and a bad hand job. They said no more about it. James went back to his usual wreck less playboy self. But it happened again, and again. At some point James had fallen in love and Niki had wept. Falsely thinking it was the charming young Suzy who had stolen his heart. But no James, ever full of surprises had admitted marrying her to ease the press off him. So he could be with Niki. As fucked up as there lives and relationships where. It worked perfectly for them. Under the mask of two happy marriages which had produced sons and heirs, they where able to be together. Without anyone interfering._

_Niki never objected to James indulgent behavior. He was never jealous of the women or Suzy. He knew he had something none of them had. He had James heart. But Niki did object to the drugs and the drinking. Eventually James stopped. But the damage had been done. Niki often wondered what he could have tried to stop James earlier. After all only he could have done it. No one else could reach the stubborn English man. Niki lived with the regret that he hadn’t tried harder._

Still his thoughts drifted to happier times with his lover.

_“Niki!! Oi rat face!”_

_“Fuck you asshole!. I hate you . You know that!”_

_“No you don’t” James had caught him after the track. He’d looked to make sure they where alone and then kissed Niki lovingly. Niki melted into his embrace. When they broke for air James warm blue eyes starred into his._

_“I love you Niki Lauda.” It was the first time he’d said it. Niki couldn’t breath._

_“I…shut up Hunt! “ Niki had shoved him and walked away. He turned and saw the devastation in James face. James turned to look at him. Nikis heart stopped._

_“ich liebe dich” Niki said with a smile. And burst into a run before James could question him. James had done all he could to search for the meaning of what Niki had said. Eventually he told a rather convincing story to one of the German drivers about how he was wooing a German girl and needed some German words to convince her to get into bed. He repeated the phrase Niki had said and the driver laughed._

_“If its just for sex James don’t tell her you love her!”_

_James laughed along. But inside he was jumping for joy. Niki loved him, and he’d told him in his own language. Something about that thrilled James.  He found Niki at the next after race party. And hauled him unceremoniously into a club bathroom._

_“James! You hurt me! God watch who your pulling!”_

_James ignored him_

_“I knew you loved me Niki. I can see right through you, can’t resist me. Like everyone else” James winked at him playfully. Niki looked confused and ever so slightly pissed off._

_“Yeah… keep telling yourself that.” Niki tried to push past him and feign a look of disinterest, James pinned him against the dingy restroom wall and suddenly he looked very serious._

_“I don’t understand most of gibberish.. Or German, Austrian. Whatever the fuck it is you speak. Hell I don’t even understand you in English! Stop messing with me Lauda. Tell me if I’m wasting my time” Niki looked away. James brought a hand to his chin and tilted his head up again so there eyes met once more._

_“Come on Niki, I am right here. I only need you to say it once. Just once, let me in. drop the mask”_

_Niki’s mouth was dry. The words where on the tip of his tongue but he couldn’t say them. He was afraid. And the way James was looking at him, so hopeful was breaking his heart._

_Niki moved close and buried his face in James neck. He felt James shiver and strong arms encircle him._

_“Its fine. You don’t have to feel the same” Niki could feel James hold him close. So close Niki thought James may never let him go. Niki had to say it. He couldn’t let James believe that he didn’t feel the same._

_“I love you James,” he murmured softly. James barely caught it. Niki knew he’d heard him the moment James lips where on his forehead and his hands where in his hair._

_It was exactly a day before Nikis birthday. It was the best present he’d ever received._

_Everything that happened in-between was a mixture of lust filled nights. Rough days on the track. Wins, looses. Marriages, divorces. Warm nights by the fire and cold evenings in bed._

_Then the crash. Niki had fought for every breath. Fought through all the pain. That season had almost finished him and James. They’d argued constantly and showed each other up on front of the press. There relationship was at breaking point. The fight for the world championship was tearing them apart. Eventually they where passing each other on and off the rack without so much as a glance._

_Then James had managed to convince everyone to race at nurburgring, knowing Niki was against it. And admitting that he openly defied Niki, just in order to hurt him. That was it for Niki. After that race he’d planned to finish with James for good. Instead he lay half dead in hospital for weeks. Listening to James sobbing at his bedside. It was a bitter victory for Niki. Finally proving to James that there was more to life than sex drugs and rock n roll. At some point James had left his side and went back to the track._

_Never one to look back, James focused on gaining on Niki. On winning.  In some respect Niki thought James had done it to make Niki fight. To get Niki back racing. To push him._

_When Niki heard James call his name at Monza, the day of his come back. Nothing prepared him for how James looked at him. James eyes where filled with fear._

_“That bad, huh?”_

_“No, no Niki its not that bad” Lies._

_“You know in hospital I asked them. Straight, no bullshit. How bad my appearance would be. They said it’d be fine with time. But it wont. I can tell from your reaction”_

_Niki had watched as James eyes filled with tears and he bit his bottom lip to will himself not to cry._

_“Its all my fault. I swayed the room.”_

_“Yes you did”_

_“That race should never have gone ahead”_

_Niki bowed his head unable to look at James any longer “no it shouldn’t”. Niki had walked away. Leaving James standing there with the disapproving gazes of all their fellow drivers bearing down on him. And when James met Jackie Stewart’s eyes he knew then he was no longer the golden boy of formula 1._

_It took less than 3 months for James to worm his way back into Niki’s life. After Niki quit at Japan and James won the championship. James had decided to quit racing all together. He’d sought out Niki. Horrible things where said between them and before they knew it they where in bed, making love to one another more intensely than they had ever done before._

_And then Niki was back on the track with James as a commentator interviewing him after his second and third world championship wins. It was odd and amusing at the same time. They’d laugh at each other and joke. Every night had been spent in each other’s company. James couldn’t bear to be anywhere without Niki. It was a glorious two years._

_It was over all to quickly. James had once joked with Niki that there was a  20% risk of him breaking Niki’s heart._

_“Lets say 10% is me finding someone even more blunt and horrid and rat like that you, so I piss off and leave you” Niki scoffed at that._

_“And the other 10% is …you run me over or something for being a dick and talking non sense. I know you love your 20% risk factor” it was all a joke, then James had died._

_Niki’s heart had Brocken. He learned a valuable life lesson there’s always more than 20% risk of a Brocken heart._

Niki lay awake every minute detail of every conversation running through his head. When he fell asleep James was still there…

 

_Niki was by the lake at his Austrian home. Suddenly a pair of arms encircled his waist from behind. He leaned back._

_“James…”_

_“Hey, my little rat” James voice was soft and Niki could feel his breath against his neck._

_“Is this real…”?_

_“No Niki. Your dreaming, you have to wake up. Wake up Niki” Niki shook his head. There was cry somewhere in the distance._

_“No” he chocked out “No, I don’t want to. I want to stay here with you.”  James held him tighter._

_“I know. But you can’t”_

_“Why did you leave me? Why did you have to die?”  James kissed his neck as tears fell from his eyes._

_“It was my time Niki. I never really left you. I am always here watching over you. And I am always in your heart. You have to let me go. Let me go Niki. Move on. It’s ok, I am not jealous and I am not angry. I’ll always love you. I know you will always love me. But it’s time. Live your life Niki. Don’t worry about me. And I am here waiting for you in your dreams.”_

_“No please. I cant. I miss you so much. I can’t face life without you anymore James it’s to hard. I give up, I can’t do it. Everywhere I look I see your face. I feel your presence. You’re haunting me. I can’t let go”_

_“Someone needs you Niki. You have to wake up now. You have to go.”_

“NO!!!” Niki screamed and shot up in bed. Tears staining his face, he was sweating and his heart was racing.

“No…James. Please” Niki heard a shrill cry, tearing him from his thoughts .his blood ran cold. Kimi.

 

He raced to the boy’s room and threw open the door. Kimi was on the floor on his front trying to stand but failing. Niki knelt down next to him.

 

“Kimi what the fuck happened”

 

“My back,” Kimi scrunched his face up in pain. His muscles had gone into spasm. The injury from the Austrian crash was coming back on him.

 

Niki hauled him onto the bed and laid him on his stomach and climbed up behind him straddling his waist. Niki began working the palms of his hand into Kimis lower back. Teasing out the muscle. Kimi hissed in pain. Niki worked further up his back slowly massaging his spine and up his shoulders. His skin was soft beneath Niki’s hands.

 

Kimi’s whole upper body was tense and Niki could feel the stress in his muscles. Kimi needed some serious physiotherapy. But for now he’d have to make do with Niki. As Niki worked out the tension in his back Kimi started to relax beneath him. He moaned softly which sent an uncomfortable surge of blood to Nikis groin. He’d have to move off the younger man before things became uncomfortable.

 

“Feeling better?” Niki shuffled off Kimi and sat beside him on the bed.

 

“Thanks,” Kimi mumbled into the mattress. “Where’d you learn that?”

 

Niki smiled down at him “trick I picked up from my personal trainer.” _Came in handy on James._ He chose to leave out the last part. Niki watched Kimi fall back asleep.

 

The dream slowly came back to him.

 

_“Someone needs you Niki”._ Niki felt uneasy. Either his mind was putting words in James mouth or, somehow James knew about Kimi.

Niki wasn’t religious but he did believe that death wasn’t the end. Maybe James was trying to reach him.  Trying to guide him and tell him something.

 

Niki stroked Kimi’s face and felt his heart flutter. He needed someone to talk to. He hopped Jackie would be in a good mood. 


	13. A Womens Intuition

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Marlene gives Niki some much needed advice.

The phone rung out. Jackie wasn’t picking up. Niki tried again and again no answer. Niki was getting frustrated he really needed someone to talk to. Then it hit him. Marlene.

 

If he wanted an honest opinion sure as hell she’d give him one. Problem was he hadn’t spoken to her in months. He’d had the kids for the first few months of the year and it was her time. They never called each other. They had no need to. He knew she hated him. But she still tolerated him occasionally. He hoped she’d at least entertain him without hanging up. He was desperate.

 

He dialed the familiar number. A few rings then marlenes sweet voice sounded over the line.

 

“Hello. Knaus residence” she’d changed her name back. Niki didn’t know why but that stung.

 

“Marlene its Niki” there was an uncomfortable silence on the other end of the line.

 

“What do you want? I told you not to call. The kids are fine. If they want to speak to you they’ll phone you”

 

Niki was right. She hated him.

 

“Sorry, ill go. Tell them I’ll speak to them soon” he was about to hand up.

 

“No…Niki wait…. Niki are you there?” he brought the receiver back to ear.

 

“I’m still here”

 

“What’s wrong? You never call …ever. Has something happened?”

 

Niki cleared his throat.

 

“Marlene I think I need help. I think I am having a break down…something’s wrong with me”

 

The silence returned, Niki thought she’d hung up.

 

“Where are you?” she sounded worried.

 

“At the house in Ibiza” she hummed to herself.

 

“I’ll be there in an hour.” She hung up. Niki was slightly shocked. He hadn’t seen her for quite some time and she certainly never made any effort when they did cross paths.

 

Luckily for Niki it was early. Far to early for lazy young finish man to be awake so he didn’t have to concern himself with Kimi.

Just as she’d said Marlene arrived within the hour. She had keys and let herself in. she found Niki at the bar in the kitchen head in his hands. He hadn’t even heard her come in. she approached him and hesitated before resting a hand on his shoulder. He flinched and looked up.

 

“Marlene…”

 

“Don’t you look pathetic” she gave him her best smile. But he could still see the sadness and betrayal in her eyes.  She sat next to him. The air was filled with the sweet scent of her perfume. Her face hadn’t changed though she looked tired. She was still beautiful.

 

“What’s going on Niki?” she looked at him with genuine concern.

 

“I hate that I had to call you. But I have no one else”

 

“You chose to be the way you are Niki. Its why you have no friends” she was blunt. As blunt as he was. In the end they where just to hard on each other. He nodded, she was right. She was always right.

 

“Is it him?” Marlene couldn’t say James name. It was like poison in her mouth. She knew Niki had been cheating. When she found out it was James her world fell apart. She accused Niki of having never loved her and of using her to hide the fact he was gay and she was devastated that she’d had children to a homosexual.  She felt betrayed, lied to and used. And he had no defense; he was just lucky she still let him see his children.

 

“I can’t stop seeing him. I just cant move on, its so bad that I have even mistaken someone for him….someone who I care for, and its hurt them. I cant sleep, I don’t want to eat I don’t want to leave the house. I have nothing, your gone the kids are angry with me, James is dead, and Ronnie and clay are dead. My family disowned me years ago. Don’t get me wrong I am not asking for pity. I don’t deserve it and I deserve to suffer. I know that’s what you’re going to say. I don’t know what I am supposed to do Marlene. I feel so lost.”

 

“Who is he?”

 

“What?” Niki looked at her confused.

 

“You said you’ve mistaken someone for James…who is he? It’s the boy from the club isn’t it? ..Ow don’t look at me like that Niki! I read the papers I watch the news.”

 

Niki looked away. He shouldn’t underestimate her. Women knew everything after all. She took a deep a breath before she spoke again. As if willing herself, not to turn the conversation into an argument.

 

“Niki. Listen to me. I like to think that despite what happened. I know you. You hurt me, yes, but you’re not a bad person. And no I don’t think you deserve to suffer. I used to, But id never have wished this grief on you. I know you couldn’t help that you loved him. He’s gone Niki. If you called me here for advice, you need to move on. Despite all you’ve done, I hate to see you like this. And if its about this boy, whoever he is. You need to wake up and realize that he’s not James.”

 

Niki looked into her eyes and a smile teased the edge of his lips.

 

“You said his name….”

 

“People move on. I’ve let it go. And I forgive you Niki. I can’t forget, but I forgive you. Do yourself a favor. And forgive yourself.” 

 

She removed the cap from his head and caressed his hair; she leaned in and kissed him on the cheek. He closed his eyes.

 

“The boys need their daddy. They don’t hate you Niki. They just miss you. James wouldn’t want you miserable now would he?”

 

“I miss them so much, I have failed them haven’t I?”

 

Niki couldn’t help it when the tears rolled down his cheeks. He’d messed up so badly. He’d been the luckiest man alive to win her heart and he’d never deserved her. She’d given him two beautiful sons.

 

She held his face in her hands and wiped his tears away.

 

“This friend of yours isn’t bad looking. What is it with you and all the good looking people you seem to attract?” she gave him a sad smile trying her best to keep her self from crying and attempting to lighten the conversation. Deep down she still loved him. She wouldn’t show him that. She was far too proud. It made her heart ache to watch him cry. She’d never seen Niki break down. He tried to smile back at her. She kissed his forehead and stood up.

 

“Stay strong Niki. You’ll be ok. Ill let the boys know, your missing them. And you can come see them whenever you like. Forget the courts. They need you. And don’t be afraid”

 

“Afraid? Of what?”

 

“Falling in love again” she winked at him and walked away. As she made her way to the door a handsome young man stood on the stair well. He was tall, with shaggy blonde hair and sleepy blue eyes. Marlene felt her heart jump. For a split second she had thought it was James. She gave him a warm smile and he smiled back.

 

“Take care of Niki.”  Her voice was soft and Kimi nodded. She left without another word.

 

Kimi entered the kitchen and walked round Niki to the fridge. Niki had wiped his eyes and sat silently.

 

“Who was that?” Niki grinned. He had been right about Kimi, being nosy.

 

“My ex wife” Kimi nodded and sat next to Niki in the exact spot Marlene had been barely minutes earlier. Niki leaned in and kissed Kimi on the cheek. Kimi flushed and stared at him.

 

“What’s that for?”  Niki shrugged.

 

“Felt like it. And its ‘what was that for’ need to improve your English Mr. iceman” Kimi raised his eyebrow.

 

“My English is fine, you’re bad at it to! I mean who says ‘ full motivation is the Wednesday?  Makes no sense!”

 

Niki laughed so hard more tears fell from his eyes.

 

Kimi looked utterly offended and this just made Niki laugh more. When Niki could compose himself he ruffled kimi’s hair.

 

“ I can’t believe you’ve actually seen that interview! It was…. years ago! Cute. I think ill keep you” suddenly Kimi felt embarrassed. He was a bit of a fan boy but he hated people knowing that.

 

“Yes well…. leave me alone! Its no funny!”  Niki laughed again.

 

“Its ‘NOT’ funny. And that’s actually the first thing I ever heard you say…’leave me alone I know what I am doing’”

 

Kimi stood and brought his hand to nikis neck. Niki tensed. Suddenly the atmosphere in the room changed.

 

“Kimi…don't” Kimi shh’d him.

 

“It’s ok I know what I am doing” Kimi leaned in and captured niki’s lips. Niki kissed back. It was A long and passionate kiss . Niki never thought of James. 


	14. Foreward

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Niki learns never to leave his villa door unlocked.

Kimi had Niki pinned against the kitchen wall his hands under niki’s shirt. They broke apart only to catch their breath. It was intense. Even more so for Niki who hadn’t been touched or had any intimate encounters for over five years. He had his hands by his sides clenching and un clenching his fists. Almost as if willing himself not to touch Kimi.  Kimi worked his way from nikis mouth to his neck. He latched onto the spot between his neck a shoulder and bit down, nipping and sucking at the skin. Niki’s head fell back against the wall with a thud.

 

Kimi kissed along his jaw and nibbled his right ear. Niki closed his eyes and sighed contentedly. Kimi was gentle but firm at the same time. He was confident but almost unsure. Niki decided to give him some encouragement. He brought his hand to the small of kimi’s back and pulled his hips foreword. Their chests met and kimis solid frame crushed Niki further back against the wall.  Kimi slammed their mouths together once again. Niki did his best to gain the upper hand but he was no match for the young fin. Kimi was clearly a dominant lover. Niki was physically incapable of matching him. All he could do was fall apart in the young mans arms. His body was relaxed and molded itself to kimi’s. Then Kimi fell to his knees. Niki knew what was coming but he was to aroused to stop it.

 

Kimi held his hips. Working his thumbs into the exposed flesh above nikis jeans. There was the sound of his belt unfastening and Niki closed his eyes. Kimi slid them slowly down and off his waist. Niki shuddered. Kimi removed his underwear without hesitation. Niki gasped as the cold air from the air conditioning unit hit his semi hard erection. Then kimi’s hand was on his length. And niki’s eyes shot open.

 

He gazed straight ahead willing himself not to look down. Once he felt the warmth of the young mans mouth envelop him, he could no longer resist. He gazed down and saw the mass of kimis untidy blonde locks, his eyes where closed and he was sucking Niki off like a pro.  His hand was rubbing teasingly at nikis testicles. Then Kimi looked up and nikis intense chocolate brown eyes gazed into his crystal blue orbs, they held each other’s gaze almost as if Kimi was trying to assert dominance over Niki by staring him down. Niki wouldn’t have won anyway, without warning he felt himself ready to come he closed his eyes tightly and cried out. Kimi held his hips still and swallowed.  Niki stood there covered in sweat his body trembling from all the sensations he’d just experienced. 

 

Kimi stood and smiled triumphantly. Nikis eyes where half closed and he was panting. Kimi kissed him gently and caressed his face.

 

“I told you, I know what I’m doing,” he whispered. As Kimi pressed against him he could feel how aroused the young man was. It only seemed fair to return the favor.

 

“Couch. Now” Niki ordered and shoved Kimi off him. finally managing to muster up some muscle. Kimi followed Niki into the next room where Niki shoved him onto the couch and settled himself between kimi’s thighs. Kimi suddenly didn’t look so smug anymore.

 

“Niki, you don’t have to do that”

 

“Shut up. If I think to much I wont do it” Kimi took the hint and sealed his lips. He watched as Niki pulled down his board shorts. He wasn’t wearing any underwear. Kimi was fully erect and his penis was leaking pre come. Niki held the base of the shaft and worked on the crown of kimi’s member. Kimi screwed his eyes shut. Niki worked his length expertly. He knew exactly how hard to suck and where to lick and nip so that Kimi was moaning and panting. Kimi eventually let out a shrill cry and Niki pulled away as he came onto his own abdomen. Niki never swallowed not even for James. It wasn’t his thing.

 

Niki stroked Kimi gently until he began to soften easing out every last drop of cum. Being so youthful had its advantages, Kimi was over sensitive and had a far shorter recovery time. Niki was tired but Kimi recovered quickly and had pinned Niki beneath him on the couch. Both their lower halves exposed clad in only there shirts. Kimi was grinding against him as they kissed furiously.

 

Niki spread his thighs open unconsciously and Kimi settled himself between nikis legs. Niki could feel their members sliding against one another. Kimi was hard again, Niki willing himself to retain some control but his penis had other ideas. Before they knew it they where both fully aroused. They rid each other of the rest of their clothing and Kimi worked on nikis chest and abs. kissing and teasing his nipples. Niki watched the strong muscles on kimis arms and back flex as Kimi devoured him.

 

Niki felt Kimi’s rough calloused hand reach between their bodies and grasp both their dicks. He jerked them off in unison. Niki allowed his head to fall back into the cushions. Kimi attacked his neck making an even bigger bruise than the one he’d made earlier. Niki came again this time his orgasm ripped through his whole body and he shuddered. He brought a hand to kimis penis and helped him to reach climax. Kimi shot his load all over nikis chest. Then fell on him exhausted.

 

Niki ran his fingers up and down kimis spine lazily, lost in the after glow of their foreplay. Kimi nuzzled his neck and kissed his cheek. They lay together until they both drifted off to sleep.

 

Niki woke to a door slamming shut. Kimi was still on top of him head resting on his chest fast asleep. Niki couldn’t move, Kimi was too heavy. He shook him instead.

 

“Kimi. Kimi! Wake up!” Kimi didn’t respond.

 

“Niki? Niki! Where are you?” it was Jackie. _Shit!_ Niki shook Kimi harder

 

“Dear god wake up kid!”

 

“Niki is that you?” Niki heard footsteps approaching the lounge. It was too late. Even if Kimi woke up now Jackie was still going to find them both naked and covered in each other’s bodily fluids.

 

Kimi stirred and raised his head Niki looked at him with fear in his eyes.

Jackie stood in the doorway with an expression not unlike that of someone who’d just found a mutilated pair of dead bodies. Kimi looked over his shoulder not getting off of Niki and narrowed his eyes, as if warning Jackie to either leave or stay silent.

 

Jackie wasn’t threatened.

 

“Well, well…I fucking knew it all along! God Niki I never thought you’d cook up a scam like this”

 

“What scam?” Kimi got off Niki and faced Jackie completely uncaring about the fact he was still naked. Niki retrieved his jeans and pulled them on in lightning fashion.

 

“Jackie it’s not what you’re thinking….” Jackie ignored Niki. Concentrating on the younger man who was currently staring him down.

 

“Your such a disrespectful little cunt Raikkonen. You know that! What’s the game Raikkonen what does Lauda have that you want?”

 

Kimi snapped and his fist collided with Jackie’s jaw. Niki stepped on front of Kimi in an attempt to separate them but as he did, a punch that was meant for Kimi struck him on the side of the head. Niki fell to the floor. 

 

“Niki!” Kimi screamed and shoved Jackie with such force that he hit the wall “you hit him!” Jackie watched as Kimi gently helped Niki back to his feet. Kimi checked the side of his head, there was small scrape and some blood but Niki was fine. Kimi caressed the back of niki’s neck and drew Jackie daggers.

 

“You do not know what you saw, you just come here and think you know everything. You know nothing!” Kimi yelled at him and Jackie was intimidated. Niki held kimis face in his hands and tried to sooth him. The youngster looked ready for a fight.

 

“Put your clothes on. Go for a walk or a swim. I need to talk to Jackie”

 

“But..!” Kimi attempted to protest.

 

“Go! …Its fine. He meant to hit you not me. He’s not going to hurt me Kimi” Kimi pulled on his shorts and shirt and stormed passed Jackie shoving him as he passed.

 

When the door slammed and Niki was sure Kimi was gone he sat down and brought a hand to the side of his face.

 

“Ouch Jackie, that hurt…a lot”

 

Jackie approached and sat next to him taking nikis hand and pulling it away so he could look. He’d Brocken the skin of nikis skin graft and it was bleeding. There was also a bruise forming. Jackie hissed to himself.

 

“Niki, shit I’m so sorry. I meant to catch the load mouth fin” Niki chuckled.

 

“Yes well…you missed. Animal cruelty! Your not supposed to hit rats!”  Jackie smiled and laughed.

 

“Please…explain what the hell just happened” Niki grinned.

 

“Want the long or the short version?” Jackie rolled his eyes and sighed.

 

“The long version…all of it”

 

“Your funeral”


	15. You Don't give love to get it.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jackie finally gives his seal of approval.

Jackie listened as Niki began going over every event in detail. He told Jackie about finding Kimi half dead at the road side and the lengths he went to care for him. He told him about the drunken mess he’d found in the club. About all the turmoil inside him, and about Marlene and her advice. As Niki spoke he sounded tired and weak. Jackie could see that inside Niki was fighting with himself. He was conflicted. But Jackie also so a spark when Niki spoke about Kimi. There was a glint in his eye and Jackie didn’t miss it.

 

“I couldn’t stop it…it just happened. He just made a move and I didn’t resist…”

 

Jackie nodded slowly his expression unreadable. For a long moment he didn’t speak, there was an odd silence between them.

 

“It’s… all very strange if you ask me. But, I can’t judge you I only want you to be careful. Remember his life and his career, there not your responsibilities Niki. He’s not a little boy. And more than that, don’t let him lure you in just because you’re vulnerable. Just because…he reminds you of someone you lost”

 

“He used to…. but now…. Now I don’t see it, I don’t see James anymore Jackie, I cant feel his presence anymore. He’s gone…” Niki closed his eyes and hung his head hiding his face in his hands. Jackie moved closer and held him.

 

“He’s not gone Niki. You’re just starting to let go. And it’s scary because none of us want to forget the people we love. But moving on with our lives is actually the best way we can remember them. You have to live again! And what the hell, if this kid is healing you, if he’s helping…then fuck what I think or anyone else. In fact I owe him one! After all, your back! Niki think about it, after everything that happened you came back! And if it wasn’t for this kid we probably would have damn all to talk about!”

 

Niki removed his hands slightly and peered up at Jackie who was smiling down at him he dropped his hands from his face, which was wet with tears and laughed lightly.

 

“Yeah, I mean I don’t know what else id have to say to you really…piss off?” Jackie grinned. Niki always had a dry sense of humor. He patted his back and stood.

 

“Do you object to me …having a little chat with Mr. iceman?”

 

Niki’s face fell “Jackie..He’s just a kid. Its not..”

 

“Not his fault? Yeah I know. I just want to talk to him. Ill go easy on him…. if I am not back in like an hour presume he’s murdered me and hid the evidence or vice versa”

 

Jackie winked and walked off without waiting for Niki to protest further. Niki had no idea where Kimi had stormed off to, he just hopped the young man had stayed in the vicinity of the house and not headed for the nearest bar.

 

It didn’t take long for Jackie to find Kimi. He was in the pool doing laps. Jackie watched as Kimi shot back and forth like his life depended on it. He was obviously frustrated and there was no other way to relive the tension. Then Kimi noticed him and stopped mid stroke, he stared Jackie down. If looks could kill Jackie would have had no chance.

 

“I come in peace…or you know something along those lines” Jackie held his hands up in mock surrender. Kimi kept his gaze firm, his jaw clenched.

 

“Ok, ok fine have it your way. Ill talk you stare at me like a psychopathic killer. I can work with that. Hell I raced next to Niki. If he has allowed me to live this long I am pretty sure I’m not afraid of you kiddo.”

 

“Fuck off!” Kimi spat at him.

 

“ah..It speaks! Anyway, cutting a long story short. Niki’s filled me in. so I doubt there is much more you could add. Just don’t prove me right Kimi; I don’t want to be right about you, for niki’s sake. I don’t want you to play him. Whatever this thing between you two is…I see a little spark in him, a little more life. But he’d never survive being hurt again. If this is all some game to get your own life back on track, quit now. Don’t kill what’s left of him”

 

Kimi’s expression changed. He relaxed and his eyes lost their murderous stare, he held Jackie’s gaze.

 

“I love him.” If it wasn’t for the calm collected way Kimi spoke and the fact that he never broke eye contact with Jackie, Jackie may have thought he’d imagined those words.

 

Jackie couldn’t speak. He had no reply. He didn’t know how to react so Kimi continued.

 

“It doesn’t matter how, when or why. It doesn’t matter what you say or think. I don’t care. Don’t worry about him, I’m here. I’m not James I’m not trying to be. But maybe James wanted it this way? For Niki. So he could start to live again”

 

Jackie pulled a chair over and sat by the edge of the pool.

 

“Kimi…. lets say I believe you. What if Niki doesn’t feel the same? What if he can never return what you feel for him? Trust me you never seen him with James. He’ll never let go. You’ll be second best, can you live in the shadow of someone who’s not even there?”

 

“I am not asking him for anything. That’s where you mis understand. You don’t love because you expect it in return. If it was like that, then it’s not really love is it?”

 

Jackie again had no reply. How could he argue with that?

 

“Is Niki ok?” Kimi asked with genuine concern.

 

Jackie nodded. “He’s fine, he’s been hit harder trust me. Niki and me don’t have much more to discuss, and I’ve put the word out on you. Like Niki asked. Your back to being, a little golden boy. Make sure I don’t regret it Kimi. I can crush you just as quickly as I made you. Now, be good to Niki and get your Scandinavian ass back in that Ferrari and win some races!”

 

Kimi climbed out of the pool and made a mock salute.

 

“Yes sir!” Jackie shook his head and walked back inside closely followed by Kimi who was dripping water everywhere. Having neglected his towel in favor of getting back to Niki as soon as possible.

 

Niki was sat where they left him he looked up and smiled warmly at them both. Kimi moved to stand next to Niki, almost protectively and placed a wet hand on his shoulder. Jackie shook niki’s hand then kimis.

 

“Ok guys. Play it safe. Don’t leak this out to anyone. And Kimi. Take care of him” Kimi nodded. Niki drew a face and protested.

 

“I don’t need taken care of!”

 

Jackie chuckled and walked away “bye Niki! See you in Austria in the summer!” and with that, Jackie was gone.

 

Kimi leaned in and kissed Niki on the forehead. Niki hummed appreciatively.

 

“Where were we?” he gazed up at Kimi who was still soaking wet, his hair dripping little droplets of water onto niki’s shoulder and chest. Without hesitation Kimi pulled off his swimming trunks and pushed Niki back against the couch. He slid nikis jeans down his hips and pulled them off.

 

“Something like this I think?” Niki smirked and Kimi caught his mouth, kissing him lovingly.


	16. I am ready now

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kimi want's more. Niki must decide if he can give him it.

After another few weeks in Ibiza enjoying the sun and the foreplay. Niki missed home. He offered Kimi a couple of months in Austria before the start of the new season. Kimi of course accepted. Jackie and his wife packed up and headed back to Scotland, and Kimi all but moved in.

 

The intimacies continued but they never had sex and Kimi was absolutely not allowed to sleep with Niki on the third floor. Kimi wasn’t stupid and he understood why.

 

It had been Niki and James room. It was the bed they slept in together. It was off limits. In fact Kimi didn’t even see the inside of Niki’s room. The house was so bare looking. Eventually Kimi had an urge to just spray paint everything or at least put up some images! Niki didn’t seem to mind the nothingness. But it was swallowing Kimi.

 

One morning after breakfast, Kimi decided he wanted something’s clarified. Like what where they to one another? Did Niki intend to keep him around? What else was in that room upstairs? And would he ever get to wake up next to Niki again?

 

“Niki?” Niki looked over at him from the worktop where he was stirring his coffee. When their eyes met Kimi almost decided to keep quite, but he wasn’t a coward.

 

“Uh, can I ask something?” Niki raised an eyebrow and shrugged.

 

“What?” Kimi swallowed.

 

“Do you like me?” Niki almost choked on his coffee. And tried his best to stop himself from laughing.

 

“Its not high school Kimi! What kind of question is that?” Kimi’s face flushed and Niki regretted his chide. He approached the breakfast bar where Kimi was sitting and leaned over to him.

 

“If I disliked you. You’d know” he winked and kimi’s smile returned to his face.

 

“I know that I cant sleep upstairs but…can you stay with me tonight?” Niki thought about that. It wasn’t something that Kimi should even have to ask. They should be waking up together. But it seemed to intimate for Niki. The more steps he took with Kimi the more he felt he was loosing all the things that he should keep sacred in order to honor his relationship with James. Niki gave in though and nodded. Kimi beamed and kissed him. Niki began to think he had defrosted the iceman. Kimi was sweet, sensitive and although he possessed very little facial expression his eyes said everything that Niki needed to know.

 

There was very little complicated about Kimi. Niki had found him simple and carefree. He expected very little and gave a lot. The more they where in each other’s company the less Niki saw anything of James. Kimi and James where in reality, two very different men. Niki was different with Kimi. He felt that he was calmer, more relaxed. With James every moment was a battle he kept Niki almost constantly on edge. The combination was explosive. But there relationship was solid and it was the only way Niki knew how to have a relationship even with Marlene. He was not used to life being so tranquil. It was different and he liked it.

 

That night he followed Kimi to the second floor. Kimi had picked the least flashy room and made himself at home. He had things flown over from Finland. Pictures, medals, a finish flag etc. Niki smiled. At least this room had some character and some life. He lay on kimis bed and watched as the youngster stripped down to his underwear. He helped Niki out of his own clothes and encouraged Niki to lay flat. Kimi got up made for the bathroom. Niki was not going to sleep with him. He hoped Kimi wasn’t reaching for the lube and condoms. Niki wasn’t ready for that.

 

Kimi did return with a bottle but it wasn’t lube.

 

“Turn over.”

 

“What’s that?” Niki sounded suspicious as he eyed the bottle.

 

“Just turn over!” Kimi rolled his eyes. Niki did as he was told.

 

He felt the bed dip and Kimi straddling his hips. Before he could protest he felt two strong hands work into the small of his back and he groaned. Niki hadn’t realized he was so tense. Kimi worked his oiled palms up nikis side and the flat expanse of his back, kneading and working the muscles.

 

“Is this ok?” nikis only response was a pleasurable moan. It went straight to kimis groin.

 

Kimi worked on Niki for around fifteen minutes. He took great pleasure in the sounds his companion was making. Niki was completely relaxed beneath him. Kimi leaned over and kissed the nape of his neck, Niki groaned.

 

Kimi nuzzled his hairline and kissed his burned ear. He felt Niki tense again.

 

“Relax, “ Kimi whispered in his ear, voice soft and reassuring. He could feel Niki shift beneath him getting comfortable.

 

Kimi slid hi hand beneath the waste band on Niki’s boxers. His fingers ghosting over nikis opening. He knew he was pushing it; he just needed to see how far he’d get. Niki hadn’t reacted. Encouraged Kimi pressed the tip of one finger against niki’s hole and applied a little pressure. 

 

Niki lay perfectly still, aware that he could stop this at any time. But also intrigued as to how much Raikkonen was willing to test him. It was battle of wills and desires. And James was never this delicate with him; there was no comparison and no line crossed. Niki let Kimi continue. He drew in a sharp breath as Kimi broke through the ring of muscle with his saliva-coated finger. It had been five years, and Niki was out of practice. Everything felt tight and ever so slightly painful.  He could hear kimi’s labored breathing behind him. He could see the boys face but he imagined that all this was turning him on and driving him pretty wild.  Niki felt Kimi start to ease the digit in and out of him. He screwed his eyes shut and adjusted to the familiar yet at the same time strange new sensation.

 

Even kimis hands where different. James had soft long slender fingers which where squared at the top. Kimi’s fingers where rough and rounded at the tip they where also thicker and stretched Niki more.  Niki allowed Kimi a little more time to ‘explore’ he even allowed him to enter a second finger and scissor him gently.

 

Finally Niki heard a pained groan from behind him and felt moist sprays hit his back and shoulders. Kimi had been jacking off and he’d come on him. Niki felt him withdraw his hand and Kimi collapsed next to him.

 

Niki felt rather bewildered and ever so slightly aroused yet also slightly pissed off.

 

Kimi turned and looked at him lazily.

 

“Sorry…happened to fast” Niki didn’t quit know weather to laugh or smack him. Then he considered how little control 20 something men had when aroused.

 

“Enjoy yourself?” Kimi missed the hint of sarcasm in nikis voice and looked at Niki apologetically.

 

“Are you pissed at me? I just want to touch you…”

 

Niki held his gaze and reached over between them stroking his chest.

 

“No I am not ‘pissed’ at you Kimi, and you can touch me.”

 

The air was heavy between them. Kimi wanted more. Niki knew he’d have to give in.  He had to make a decision.

 

“What if you …if I let you be in charge? Would you sleep with me then?”

 

Silence. Niki couldn’t find the words to reply. James had been very clear on there positions in the bedroom. Niki was always the receiver.  Once again Kimi was moving them foreword but without crossing Niki’s line. He was offering himself ‘to’ Niki. It was a very tempting offer.

 

“You don’t know what your saying. You wouldn’t enjoy it Kimi. Your not the type”

 

Kimi sat up and looked down at him.

 

“Let me decide that for myself” kimis voice had an edge to it. Niki understood his frustration.

 

“Not tonight. Please, I can’t think right now. Maybe I should go….” Niki attempted to get up but felt a strong hand force him back down.

 

“No, you said you’d stay with me…I want you to stay. Please?”

 

Niki nodded and Kimi removed his hand. Niki looked up at him, he could never imagine this young man being dominated by anyone. Yet essentially that’s what Kimi was offering him.

 

“Would you really do it Kimi? Let me take you like that?”

 

“Yes, id do it for you. Id do anything for you”

 

Niki felt a sharp pain in his chest. Guilt.

 

Guilt for what he was about to do. He brought Kimi down on top of him kissed him gently and said:

 

“It’s ok Kimi. You wont have to. I’m ready now.”


End file.
